We oldies, including the boomers and the wrongly-named silent generation, put the country on an innovative path when we were young, idealistic, and energetic.  Even before the boomers fought for social, economic, and political equality, the silent generation had instigated the feminist movement, crafted the foundations for equal rights in the workplace, and displaced the traditional bifurcation of male and female roles.

Heck, we popularized rock and roll!  We practiced free love!  Well, okay, not everyone.

We know how to be effective and provoke change.  What should we tackle next?  We’ve already advocated for pulling the plug.  Let’s ride out another crusade.  How about something entertaining?  Let’s debunk the fear of an apocalypse!

Numbers of people didn’t make plans for New Year’s Eve 2012 because the Mayan calendar ended that December.  Why bother purchasing a new dress and an expensive dinner?  The world was coming to an end.  Norse mythology experts calculated that the Vikings believed doomsday was in February 2014.  Not!!  The world recently escaped another Armageddon on January 1, 2017.  Apparently the followers of The Sword of God Brotherhood were wrong.  Hmmm…sounds like the name of a cult in a fiction book.

The hysterical, 1966 movie The Russians Are Coming, the Russians Are Coming was old news.  We oldies grew up during the Cold War and the “imminent” threat of nuclear war.  Years before the movie, bomb drills at school had us hiding under our metal and wooden desks.  Even then, we understood the inadequacies of that strategy!

During our lifetimes, we’ve heard hyperbolic warnings of population explosions, global famines, evolving bacteria, water wars, oil exhaustion, falling sperm counts, thinning ozone, acidifying rain, nuclear winters, Y2K bugs, mad cow epidemics, killer bees, and a variety of pandemic viruses.

Not to mention alien invasions, the Black Plague, and robot rebellions.

Did you know that half of all Americans today think climate change is a sign of the apocalypse? Oops, ignore that.

The author Gary Alexander—who is one of us (an oldie)—coined a word that describes some individuals’ craving for dire predictions: “apocaholics.”

No problem feeding that addiction.  Since the beginning of time, there have been apocalyptic predictions.  As evidenced, somehow, they just don’t happen.  Baseball legend Yogi Berra was correct when he reportedly said, “It’s tough to make predictions, especially about the future.”

So far the Russians have only invaded in films.  Various apocalyptic dates have come and gone.  But, each time they result in a “D” tone for the country—dark, depressed, dysfunctional, dismal, down, dispirited.  You get the idea.  It’s more like déjà vu all over again.  The apocalypse is coming…again.   And …again.  Meanwhile, the Internet constantly stirs these fears, propagating false, alternative apocalyptic facts at lighting speed!

Helpfully, the National Preppers and Survivalists Expo prepares people to face an apocalypse, civil unrest, natural disasters, alien invasions, zombie attacks, or some permutation of all these “threats.”  In addition to promoting machine guns, the expo features gas masks, bullet-proof vests, freeze-dried foods, medical supplies, hydroponic food-growing kits, portable power generators, water purification tablets, and beekeeping equipment.

If we were apocalypse believers, our must-have list would differ—although we are enamored by beekeeping concept even in non-apocalyptic times.  Everyone can easily procure our suggested items and store them in the never-used bomb shelter that was built by Russian-fearing relatives in the 50s.  Our list would include:

• Apple cider vinegar (with the mother, whatever that means) – This miracle item can help with the dyspepsia from the stress of surviving. Look online for its many other uses now… because hackers could take down the Internet at any time.
• Chocolate – This could be a problem as it really should be refrigerated. But, it is important for its “aphrodisiac” effects.  Hmmm…may be better than gold.
• Drugs (recreational and medical) – Along with the apple cider vinegar, drugs would help with the ensuing dyspepsia and make us popular with other survivors. Note to selves:  don’t forget matches, lots and lots of matches.
• Extra reading glasses – Ever see the Twilight Zone episode about the guy who survives the world’s ruin, as does the library, but he falls and breaks his only pair of glasses? Think about having Lasik now.
• Hard copies of all sorts of how-to books for dummies and non-electric tools – We’ve never built anything in this life so far, but who knows. Maybe we could barter with others.

Never mind.  This is way too difficult.  Let’s stick with our conviction, based on our experience, there will be no apocalypse! At least in our lifetime.

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today?   Bet heavily against the next apocalypse.  Heck, if you’re wrong, no financial risk.  We’ll all be dead.  If not, you’ll have lots more money to leave the kids.  Have Lasik anyway.  Ignore the urge to head to the store to buy toilet paper and coffee creamer when the weatherman predicts two to four inches of snow.  Block the words “apocalypse” and “doomsday” from your grandchild’s computer.  And, don’t give your assets away too soon.  Without an apocalypse, more days ahead.  You’ll need that IRA.

When Snow White’s evil stepmother asked her magic mirror, as she did every morning, who is the fairest one of all, it always responded, “My Queen, you are the fairest one of all.”  That is, until one day.  Snow White had matured into a striking young woman and the mirror told the truth.  “My Queen,” the mirror proclaimed, “you are the fairest here so true.  But Snow White is a thousand times more beautiful than you.”

Ooops!  Not so good for Snow White in the short term.  While the huntsman, who the queen had charged with killing her, spares her life, Snow White ends up bunking with seven dwarfs—some of whom are messy or depressed or clinically shy or just grumpy.

The first mirrors were most likely pools of dark, still water, or water collected in a primitive vessel.  Inconvenient.  There wasn’t always an accessible, placid body of water in which to see one’s reflection.  The mirror, as we know it today, was a great invention by a German chemist in 1835.  We all owe him much gratitude!

Mirrors have been used in literature, songs, and film.  Think not only fairy tales, but the “Twilight Zone” and “Stargate SG1.”  No reflection?  You could be a vampire…or a really bad housekeeper.

Mirrors DO tell the truth.  And, we should all take advantage of those truths.  The mirror really can be magical if we view ourselves honestly.  Put your glasses on!  No smoke in our mirrors.  Not surprisingly, the question we should pose as we stand before our mirrors differs from that of the evil stepmother—and, there is more than one.   (And, please note that all genders should be posing these or similar questions.  Feel free to personalize.)

• How do we look from behind as well as from the side and the front?
• How do we look bending over? Does the outfit expose our muffin top?  And, we’re not talking the blueberry version.  Beware that dreaded plumber’s crack; it invites wise “cracks.”
• Is this fabric our friend? Does it cling and highlight problem areas?
• Do the colors complement our skin tone? (Remember the Color Me Beautiful guidebook?)
• Do our slacks form an unattractive camel toe at the crotch or simply reveal TMI? If so, time to head back to the closet for a different top.
• Are we emphasizing the good and minimizing the not so good?

Don’t forget that just because you can fit into a size 10 doesn’t mean you are one!  We look much slimmer wearing clothes that actually fit rather than something too small.

And, remember, mirrors can also tell us how clothes look after wearing them all day, whether they are truly wash and wear, or if they still look good after losing or gaining some weight.

A quick aside.  You don’t need a mirror to scrap socks with sandals.  We know designers today say that look is acceptable, after long dissing it as a fashion faux pas.  After all, professional athletes do it.  If you must, at least wear clean and attractive socks without holes in the toes.

Rhetorical question: Why do department stores’ dressing rooms include three-way mirrors????

You get the picture??  The mirror is our truthful fashion advisor.  And not just at the store.  The mirror is your friend at home.

We should all have a three-way mirror.  Failing that, get a good sized wall mirror and use a hand-held that will create your own three-way view!…albeit a bit less graphic.

Don’t always rely on a partner or friend’s feedback.  Honesty is sometimes not the best policy, and many being questioned prefer to keep the peace and fib.  Often, you’d be better off asking a stranger.  We’ve had our moments of honesty in department store’s dressing rooms.

One of those occasion occurred when a young woman was trying on long gowns for her prom, most of which looked…well…awful.  We weren’t ogling or spying, just taking our turns in front of the dressing room’s three-way mirror.   Bonding.  So, we felt comfortable saying that a certain gown not only truly looked best, but complemented the color of her arm tattoos.  For a moment, we panicked about being a bit too honest.  But, she thanked us and proudly marched to the check-out counter with our choice.

One interior designer contends that mirrors are the most misused, abused, and overused items in the world of home decorating—found everywhere they shouldn’t be and nowhere they should be.

He recommends mirrors in foyers for guests to check themselves out before entering a roomful of people.  He envisions dressing rooms with the widest of mirrors or a closet fully mirrored.  He doesn’t like cutesy, tiny bathroom mirrors.  He wants them big and positioned so that everyone, short and tall, can see themselves without stretching or hunching.

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today?   Hop in the car now…immediately…at once…head to the store to buy that needed, truth-telling mirror.  Use it!  Remember that just because a style walked down the runway, doesn’t mean it will look good on you in the real world.  If you can’t do it justice and own it, sit it out.  And, if the mirror responds verbally to the questions posed, cut down on the drinking!

Welcome to Wrinkled Wisdom.  Our topic is death and dying.  We call it “pulling the plug.”  But, before you begin reading, we have a caveat.  We reference social security and Medicare.  Just pretend they aren’t changing in the near future.

Let’s not kid ourselves.  We all love control.  So, some questions.  Want to be in control up to your very last moment?  Want to leave more to your family or favorite charity?  Want to ensure Social Security and Medicare are around for your kids’ and grandkids’ old age?

The answers to all three are obvious.  Death by choice.  Yes!  And, what better way than to pull the plug when we choose!  We know, shocking.  But…is it?????

Heck, we treat our beloved pets with more dignity than our aged.  When we recognize it’s time, we call the vet.

Who needs those misnamed “death panels?”  If we’ve checked off the bucket list and are facing long, expensive periods of decline fighting cancer, heart disease, or creeping dementia, or suffering debilitating arthritis or chronic pain that ends all the fun, what the hell…let’s do it.

A high-five for the states today that allow terminally ill adult residents to get prescription medication to hasten their deaths.  It’s at least a start. (Dr. Kevorkian was a bit ahead of the times.)

But, people won’t want to move to Washington State…too cloudy and rainy. Colorado is gorgeous, but the rental market is crazy.  California is a mess with its droughts, mudslides, and earthquakes.  Vermont may be fabulous in the fall as the leaves turn; but, have you been there in the winter?  It’s cold!  Oregon has some appeal.  But, who wants to move at all?  It’s inconvenient and costly.

We want the right to pull the plug in our own home when we are ready, not just six months before we are expected to die from a terminal illness—especially when much of that time is spent maneuvering through the legal/medical approval maze.  (A quick aside: most doctors opt to die at home.  Could this be a message?)

What’s the big deal about living longer?  It only means more facelifts and doctor’s orders to give up our favorite foods.  Studies confirm that there is an increase in the absolute number of years lost to disability as life expectancy rises.  We are opposed to being the living dead!   Zombies belong in the movies. And, speaking of…have you seen those feeding tube videos?  Yuck.

Geez, we’ve dominated the political, cultural, and economic landscape for decades.  How about a last hurrah???  Let’s make a difference one final time.

We think euthanasia for oldies should appeal to younger generations who are positive we are going to live forever, max out Social Security and Medicare, and make it impossible for them to receive any of these benefits in their old age.

They have a point!  A 2012 stat underscores that one out of every four Medicare dollars, more than $125 billion, is spent annually on medical services for the five percent who are dying and are talked into procedures that may extend their lives by no more than a few weeks.

Work with us, kids…get behind death by choice!!!

(Oh, and euthanasia is not to be confused with “youth in Asia” or the 80s punk band by the same name.  Check Google for giggles.)

This isn’t even a new topic!  The Romans and Greeks debated the ethics of euthanasia and physician-assisted suicide centuries ago.  In 1870, a humble schoolmaster wrote a treatise proposing the use of anesthetics and morphine to intentionally end a patient’s life.  That debate continued over the next 35 years until Ohio introduced a bill to legalize euthanasia in 1906.  It was defeated.  Bummer.

Yes, let’s face it.  There’s no reason to spend years in pain or in a nursing home with lots of lolling heads.  And, who wants to emulate a Jack Reacher thriller and search the “Deep Web” to find Mother’s Rest—a town providing euthanasia services to anyone who could afford to pay.  Unfortunately, it didn’t go well in Mother’s Rest.  Gotta be an easier way.

The positive news is that innumerable articles about death and dying are cropping up in magazines and newspapers—meaning it’s on the minds of many.  And, on a personal note, when we take a close look at the ugly fashions being touted in some of these publications…why live???

We researched some options out there and they are not as foolproof as we would like.  Helium keeps popping up.  But, lugging around a helium tank with arthritis and back pain seems a bit awkward—although it worked better in Grace and Frankie.  Apparently, heroin is risky and unreliable.  Guns are too messy and inconvenient for the relatives.

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom advice for today?   Gently open conversations with family and friends about your interest in pulling the plug when you are ready.  Fantasize an afterlife full of fun.  Gee, can’t wait to see the ex-husbands.  At the least, have your ducks in row, including an Advance Health Care Directive that spells out that you aren’t interested in measures that prolong your life.  Make it clear in your will that anyone who disregards your intent doesn’t get a cent.  And, most importantly, lobby to give Amazon the option of having one its drones drop a package of killer drugs on our front steps!