Wrinkled Wisdom – We’re Cutting Loose!

We are vaccinated! We are leaving the house, often! Still wearing our masks, of course, because we know there’s a slim chance we can get Covid and there are still questions about whether we can transmit it. The new variants are a bit scary. Nonetheless, we are feeling cocky. 

We’ve had dinner and drinks with friends and family at home and in restaurants. We’ve returned to the grocery store. We were getting tired of the substitutes in our bags at pick-up and love making spontaneous decisions about dinner. We have gotten haircuts, manicures, and pedicures. We’ve been to the zoo. Its timed entries limiting the number of people enjoying the animals kept us all safe. We did cringe as the grandkids ran their hands all over the glass and handrails and then, of course, touched their faces! Oh well, we looked at it as building immunities.

We are ready to play bridge in person, foregoing our online games. Others, we hear, are joining the club—Retired Old Men Eating Out. Yes, it’s real. Tom Brokow introduced readers to the club in his 1998 book The Greatest Generation. We’re eager to see theatrical and dance performances and movies, if Hollywood finally produces one we actually want to see.

After living in sweats, pajamas, and leggings for a year, we’re wondering if we’ve lost our sense of style. Buttons, zippers, and buckles are back. We’re reintroducing ourselves to our closets. And, we’ve gone clothes shopping! We are so excited to touch and fondle the clothes. But, sooo disappointed that fashion has taken a tie-dye turn. Been there, done that! And the fabrics seem ready to stretch and fade. Another example of “planned obsolescence?” And, we’re entertained by the clothes still dominating retail stores…sweats and jeans.  Hey, how about some post-pandemic options???

We’ve been to the dentist, doctor, physical therapist, chiropractor, and masseuse. Many body parts needed these visits. No Zooming with a dentist, period. Zooming with the doctor just wasn’t the same. Are home blood pressure and oxygen finger cuffs really accurate? No way to palpitate a body part. PT via Zoom is totally awkward as one holds up and/or explains the offending body parts. Never did figure out how to place the computer so the therapist could see if we were doing exercises correctly. Speaking of Zoom, sure wish we had bought their stock at the beginning of the pandemic!

And, we’re heading to the airport! Statistics show that plane-ticket sales are being disproportionately fueled by seniors. Interestingly, the news isn’t as good for hotels, suggesting we oldies are traveling to see friends and family. Guess exotic vacations are still on bucket lists.

Don’t know about anyone else, but we have actually found there are some good uses for masks. It really helps to wear one while cleaning the cat box. Why didn’t we think of that before? But then, a year ago, we didn’t have masks all over the house and in every pocket. Also, one is helpful when working outside raking leaves or splitting wood. Some are finding it an effective allergy deterrent. And, we must give a shout-out to masks and hand-washing for low flu rates this past year. Sure didn’t mind wearing one outside when the winter temperatures hit minus degrees.

And there are so many awesome masks! As Vogue commented, masks are not a fashion accessory, but they sure take up a lot of real estate on your face. So, we’re all looking for aesthetically pleasing ones. While we used to say “great shoes,” we now say “great mask!”

One of the unexpected positives of leaving the house is escaping those annoying phone calls we’ve all had to bear throughout the pandemic. So exasperated with calls labeled spam risks, telemarketers, anonymous, name unavailable, or unknown caller. We’re not picking up. Stop calling!

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today? Get out there and have some fun with your vaccinated family and friends. Head into your closet and get organized. We are going to be wearing all those ignored pieces shortly. Start humming The Golden Girls theme song, Thank You for Being a Friend.  Buy some fun cards that say “I miss you” and send them to family and friends you hope to see soon. And follow up with a call to make a date. Perk up their day. Perk up your day. Let’s cut loose!

P.S. Advocate for vaccines in less developed countries to ensure we maintain our recovery while modeling American generosity.  It’s a win/win, especially if you want to travel internationally.

Wrinkled Wisdom – Pretty Please, Pay Attention to Plastics

There’s light at the end of the proverbial tunnel for vaccinated oldies!  Okay, that’s trite.  One late night host was much more creative in describing the Center for Disease Control’s latest guidelines for vaccinated seniors.  He called it an invitation to host “geriatric orgies.” Huh?  We’re just happy to see the grandkids and grocery shop in person.  It’s so satisfying to choose our own grapes and celery; and, while walking around, pick up things we don’t need, like more junk food.  The CDC also said we can now safely eat indoors at restaurants, which brings us to plastics.

Our year of ordering in and grocery deliveries has made us even more aware of plastics.  Takeout delivery includes a lot of single-use items and a lot of plastic!  Remember the 1967 movie The Graduate? In a discussion about Ben’s future, Mr. Braddock says he wants to say one word to Ben.  Just one word…plastics, because there’s a great future in plastics.  Mr. Braddock nailed it over 50 years ago.  Plastic products have increased by over 8% each year since the 1950s.  Huge!

Their impact on our oceans and wildlife has been astounding.  The Great Pacific Garbage Patch in the Pacific Ocean is well-known.  It’s almost six times the size of Colorado and chock full of fishing nets, trash, and plastic debris.  Didn’t know there are now four additional garbage patches in other locations around the world.

Our oceans are saturated with more than eight million tons of plastic waste every year. And, now, microplastics—fragments of any type of plastic—are increasingly seen as a global environmental concern.  Big things eat littler things.  Tiny anchovies eat microplastics and are, in turn, gobbled up by fish that are sold in our supermarkets. It used to be said, jokingly, that we were made of corn and sugar.  Now we can add plastic to that list. 

For visual impact, just google the numerous, heart-wrenching pictures of dead whales and dolphins, their stomachs filled with plastic and trash, or watch the video of a plastic straw being removed from an endangered sea turtle’s nose.  The Coast Guard estimates that more than one million birds and 100,000 marine mammals die each year from eating or getting entangled in plastic debris. And, it’s not just marine animals.  Researchers studying floating plastics in the Persian Gulf region just found over 2,000 plastic bags in the stomach of a dead camel because it ate human trash.

Another depressing fact?  Plastic bags take about 10 to 20 years to decompose in landfills. It’s estimated that plastic bottles take 450 years.  As they degrade, they shed more microplastic shards into the air and water.  And don’t get us started on the microplastic from fleece!  

What can we do as news about plastic gets scarier?  We all recycle, of course.  We should also buy products in containers from recycled plastic.  But, to really make a difference, we need to support investment in better recycling technology, recyclable alternative packaging, and assure recycling is easy, accessible to all, and cheap.  As one newsperson wrote, “Like perms, gaucho pants, and bump-it clips, plastics appear to be trending downwards in the court of public opinion.”  This negativity has spurred companies to research cost-competitive, environmentally friendly replacements for conventional plastics.  Hurry!  

And, when you take those plastic bags back to the grocery store, include produce bags, newspaper bags, zipper sandwich bags, the plastic that covers your dry cleaning, and some acceptable cereal bags with your returns.  Even bubble wrap is recyclable. 

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today?  Seek out products like Dove that clearly indicate you are buying shampoo in 100% recycled bottles.  Lobby for recycle symbols that can be spotted without eyeglasses, much less a microscope!  Check your trash company’s website to learn what is recyclable in your area.  No shredded paper??  Advocate for new chips and snack bags—ones without that shiny layer of polypropylene that protects crispness, but can’t be recycled. Please, do we have to sacrifice munching on Cheetos to be environmentally responsible?  And, if you are worried about plastics AND waiting for grandkids, you might want to read the book Count Down about plastics’ impact on fertility. Or not.

P.S. In some areas, it’s again okay for our reusable bags to accompany us to the grocery store.  Don’t forget to wash them!  We like to think of it as an extension of handwashing.  

Wrinkled Wisdom – Please, Never Say That Again

Maybe we are just overly sensitive after being confined for almost a year and facing the reality that vaccines for oldies aren’t a ticket to the old normal. But, since we have spent hours and hours at home, we’ve had the opportunity to listen to more reporters, commentators, panelists, talking heads, pundits, and others than we ever imagined. Confession: we often find their word usage both irritating and annoying. 

Does everything need to be dramatized, even weather? It’s going to rain, or we might get two inches of snow. Calm down. Cut the emotion. We’ll live through it. And EVERYTHING is “Breaking News.” And the same news is often hailed as breaking news hours later. How long can breaking news “break?” 

Most annoying; however, are the many overused and annoying words, phrases, and expressions that really make us cringe.  “You know” is one of the top contenders. No, we don’t know. That’s why we are tuning in. “Listen” is another. We’re watching you on television; we are listening.  “If I may” appears to be an attempt to be polite but comes off smug. Of course, you may. The host asked you a question! Use of “kind of, sort of” tells us nothing. Many talking heads end their sentences saying “right?”—attempting to encourage agreement from listeners. Heh…we’re not that easy.

And, then there are the guests who begin their responses with “in my humble opinion?” Ironically, they are not usually humble. “To be honest” also gets to us. Why wouldn’t you be honest? Are you often dishonest? If you hear a guest say “with all due respect” get ready for a fight. Someone is about to be disrespected. Speaking of fights, “let me play devil’s advocate” is a clear sign the guest is about to say something at odds with another panelist or the host.  

We thought we were alone in advocating for banishing some words and phrases. No, we have an ally!  It’s the Banished Words List Committee at Michigan’s Lake Superior State University.  The goal is to “uphold, protect, and support excellence in language by avoidance of words and terms that are overworked, redundant, oxymoronic, clichéd, illogical, nonsensical, and otherwise ineffective, baffling, or irritating.”  LSSU chooses 10 words or phrases annually based on submissions from people around the world.

We were excited until we read the 10 choices from 2020. Number one was COVID-19.  Huh?  Sure, we’re all tired of hearing, reading, and talking about the pandemic, but that doesn’t mean you can just banish the name of the virus. Also listed were words and terms related to the pandemic. The committee advocates banishing expressions like “we’re all in this together.” We agree that the overused phrase “in these uncertain times” should be dumped. It also isn’t a big fan of the term “in an abundance of caution.” Heck, we’ll be tempted to throw caution to the wind after we get vaccinated. 

The committee pointed out that “pivot” can go when describing how everyone must adapt to COVID-19, making the point that basketball players pivot. We seemed to have missed this one, but we are not sports savvy. It has already banished the word “unprecedented” but the word made the LSSU list again last year because of continued misuse in describing events that do have precedent. Like, well, COVID-19. Lastly, we are wondering why “flatten the curve” didn’t make the top 10. It’s not only overused, it’s an oxymoron.  

Oh, speaking of overworked, how many times have we heard a guest say: “That is a great question; so glad you asked.” Is that a euphemism for…gee…will you have me back on your show again soon??

So our Wrinkled Wisdom for today? Turn off the screen and take out your ear buds. Sorry to make your television watching more cringe worthy. But, venting is good for the soul. Do it! We bet you have your own list of words and phrases you never want to hear again! So, start your 2021 list now! Entertain us by putting them in the comments section, and we will all try to comply!  Kind of/sort of.

Wrinkled Wisdom – Resiliency in the Face of More Challenging Pandemic Days

Happy New Year! Who among us was not ecstatic to see 2020 end?! Congrats to all of us seniors who may get a vaccine early this year—one positive about aging?! Our New Year’s resolution is to make the 2021 holiday celebrations the biggest and best with ALL family and friends. Well, at least those in the second half of the year!

While we dread winter as it impedes even outdoor gatherings amid strict Covid restrictions, we celebrate the symbolism of the slow return of light following the Winter Solstice. Right now, we are craving something to literally brighten lockup!  Longer days!

Astronauts say the key to surviving in space for months is to set a schedule, indulge in a hobby, go outside, keep a journal, and take time to connect. That journal might reflect your lack of showering, shaving, and hair washing!  Didn’t know astronauts go on spacewalks regularly.

So, we continue to review and check out ideas for filling our day. We only have 16 hours to fill if we get eight hours of sleep.  If not, there is always the option of napping. Some of us would like to sleep all day, but that could lead to a family intervention!

Numbers of things are worth doing daily—coffee and a newspaper or news of some sort to start the day. Put that on your schedule. Then there is the daily eating and tidying up.  Food shopping is a breeze with curbside pick-up and Instacart. And Blue Apron, Green Chef, Freshly, and local restaurants will actually deliver a cooked meal or one easy to prepare. Personal grooming should be done daily, even if it is only tweezing your eyebrows and those unruly chin hairs.

The phone was an incredible invention and continues to be a great way to connect while filling up the long days. It’s a lifeline to family and friends. And kudos to the speaker phone feature! Laundry can be folded, exercise continued, and meals prepared while chatting! And who could survive without it when you are caller 10 in the queue to speak to the Geek Squad or a customer service representative (a true misnomer).

Zoom might be considered an upgrade from the phone. Too bad we didn’t buy their stock as the pandemic took off. Of course, as you know, a video hookup requires that we get out of our PJs. You must be ready at a certain time (put it on the schedule) and have something on below the waist just in case. Beware! If you and your environs appear too unkempt and many wine glasses are in view, the family might stage another intervention. Cooking together looks great on TV commercials, but…. And if you really don’t want to watch cartoons with the grandkids, click the wrong button.

We have all culled our clothes closets (foregoing the rule to throw out anything not worn in a year since we haven’t been anywhere), pantries and kitchens (who needs cupcakes tins for 30 and multiple spring form pans), junk drawers, hall closets, and basements, and rearranged furniture.

We have joined virtual visits of interesting tourist draws around the world, listened to podcasts, signed up for live concerts, participated in on-line book clubs, and are playing lots of bridge on our computers. We have enjoyed zoos, aquariums, and museums that are open, although with limited capacity (and they do need our financial help). We look forward to our mental health rides, which also keep the car battery charged. And we squeeze in some exercise to avoid the Quarantine 19 weight gain. YouTube workout videos can get your feet moving. We do not encourage on-line gambling!

So our Wrinkled Wisdom for today? Wake up, smile, and say, so what’s on the schedule for today?! Keep that to-do list jam-packed. Be creative. When’s the last time you dusted your ceiling fans?  This is a time to be generous. Many are losing jobs and businesses, being evicted, or unable to feed their families. Donate your airline miles to charities; you aren’t flying anywhere soon. And, a warm bubble bath complemented by a quarantini is a great way to end the day!

P.S.  Please share with us what’s on your schedule or crossed off!

Wrinkled Wisdom – Holy Moly Pandemic Olio

We’re still at home, mostly.  It’s fall.  It’s cold.  COVID numbers are rising.  We venture out to shop for food, necessities, and now Christmas presents.  We are spending much more money on-line, and then feel guilty about not supporting our local businesses.   Okay, we do have our nails done and hit the dentist and doctor when needed.  The bad news is that lots of friends are concerned about indoor dining.  It’s going to be a long, dark, lonely winter.  Thankfully, the family still gets together.  We are careful, of course.  We don’t want to die.  We would like to see the grandkids graduate from high school and, hopefully, college. 

But, honestly, we do have a lot of time on our hands.  So, we’ve been entertaining ourselves with COVID questions, observations, and giggles.

We are now paranoid about licking our fingers.  Licked fingers are essential for turning the pages of the newspaper and books and helping us pick up small bits of debris scattered about.  Safety or efficiency?  Tough to break old habits.  Speaking of licking, we are no longer licking envelopes.  We weren’t surprised recently to be asked not to lick a return envelope needed to pay a bill by check.  Guess we’re not the only ones who are paranoid.  Yet, with the slowdown of mail delivery, doubt any of our germs will be alive by the time the envelope is opened.

We know.  Wash your hands frequently with soap and water…for at least 20 seconds.  Time to find the chorus of a favorite song that will help ensure you’ve hit the 20-second mark.  Hopefully, it is something other than the mind-numbing repetition of singing “Happy Birthday” twice, as some have advised.  We can be more creative than that!

The pandemic may be a catalyst to end paying with cash!  Cash is a notoriously efficient carrier of bacteria and viruses.  The lifespan of various bills ranges from four to 15 years—lots of time to accumulate germs.  The phrase “dirty money” has certainly taken on a new meaning.

What about blowing out birthday candles?  Spitting all over a cake might become a no-no.  If we believe infectious disease experts, handshakes could also become a thing of the past as we’ve gotten more freaked about germs and hygiene.  Are high fives and hugs also a thing of the past?   

We’re all already feeling touch-deprived as we physically distance so we aren’t infected by goo droplets.  What does six feet apart actually look like, as recommended?  Our favorite descriptions are a dude in a top hat laying on the floor and one and a fifth Danny DeVitos.

There are some things we’ve learned because of the pandemic.  Diseases can have multiple names like COVID-19, also called SARS-CoV-2, or simply the coronavirus disease 2019.  COVID-19 is capitalized because the World Health Organization says so.  We’ve also learned that a pangolin is a scaly anteater that supposedly got COVID from a bat.  The Chinese eat them.  So, don’t eat pangolins, bats, or humans to avoid the virus.  We’ve also learned what the inside of every late night show host’s house looks like.  

We are also doing some calming things to ensure we’re not caught flat-footed in another crisis.  We’ve learned some lessons…the hard way.  We now keep at least two weeks of toilet paper, tissues, and paper towels stashed away.  Hydrogen peroxide has been added to our Apocalypse list as its uses are legion.  We can’t believe we missed it the first time around.  It is a staple of the modern medicine cabinet, always on hand for first aid needs, and gargling with it can keep a visit to the dentist off your calendar.  And, it’s a disinfectant.  Kills COVID.  Who knew?   It’s still really hard to find in stores maybe because hospitals are scooping up those brown bottles. 

And, with all of us cooking at home more, we found recycling isn’t that easy!  Junk food bags aren’t recyclable.  Huh?   Some take-out food boxes aren’t recyclable. Some triangles are so small we must resort to a magnifying glass!  

So our wrinkled wisdom for today?   Find humor where you can.  Laugh out loud.  Don’t lick your fingers.  Know you can exercise with wine bottles if you don’t have weights.  Shout “allergy” after you sneeze to keep from getting those creepy looks.  Let’s lobby for a required, seeable visual on packaging and containers that are NOT recyclable!  And, if you have any insights on stock to buy as behavior changes because of lockup, let us all know.  We missed Tupperware and Crocs.

Wrinkled wisdom: Unexpected Pandemic Challenges

The pandemic has made us very aware of the importance of physical distancing…from the refrigerator.   More time at home wearing lounge wear and lounging are also taking their toll.  Social media jokesters refer to it as the “Quarantine 15.”   We’re not laughing.   Even worse, getting on your scale and seeing the bad news could send you straight to the nearest comfort food.   

Speaking of refrigerators, want to buy one?  Good luck.

Who knew appliances are all in short supply nationwide thanks to the pandemic.  COVID-related circumstances have completely disrupted the supply chains of many industries.  That means fewer choices.  Between the two of us, we speak from experience.

But, before we start bitching about our new appliances, we must point to the accuracy of a term a humorist coined in 1948.  We can barely pronounce “resistentialism,” defined as “seemingly spiteful behaviour manifested by inanimate objects.”   Second that!

The refrigerator went kaput.  To add insult to injury, it moaned for a couple of days until a strong nephew wrenched it away from the wall and unplugged it.  Only one model was available for delivery in two weeks.  Two weeks without a refrigerator!!!  And, there was an unknown tradeoff.  The compressor of the new frig is so loud that it sounds like a car idling in the kitchen.   Definitely spiteful behavior!

So much cooking and cleaning seems to have worn out the dishwasher, cooktop, and stove.  It turns out that the new dishwasher’s controls can’t be seen when the door is closed, so you can’t tell when it’s running or if the cycle is complete.  Gee, what a brilliant design.

Let’s move on to the new cooktop and stove.  Every cooking show features a gas cooktop.  Experts brag that gas cooktops allow for instant changes in heat and cook more evenly.  And, gas cooktop to the rescue if there is an electric power outage.   Just need one of those long-reach butane candle lighters and, yes, you can then eat something; and, most importantly, enjoy that essential hot morning coffee. 

Okay.  Gas cooktop.  We misunderstood the sales person.  Thought the oven would be electric.  Nope.  We are adapting and focusing on the positives.  Gas stoves are reportedly more precise when changing heat temperatures.  But, what idiot puts the oven’s push-button controls right behind the gas burners??  These controls are spot sensitive and hard on old arthritic hands and fingers.  We have almost caught our clothes on fire reaching for the timer.  And the controls are hard to see.  Another spiteful appliance!

Then the washer refused to empty and the dryer seemed slow.  Crap.  More new appliances.  We reportedly have the capability to run the new ones via a phone app.  NOT HAPPENING.  Again, we can hardly see the controls.  They are dark on dark!!  To wash and dry a load of laundry, we really do need a flashlight to see what we are doing.  And, the dryer light does not stay on and is unhelpfully mentioned in the instructions.  The washer cycle explanation had to be downloaded from the internet because the instruction manual was useless.   

And, why is everything stainless?  They are advertised as smudge free.  Sure.   

Handyman did install a new toilet in the guest bathroom, but who cares.  It hasn’t been used for months.   Hmmm… lockup has been surprisingly expensive.  And, after all this time at home, well, kind of itching for a new couch and ottoman.   Oh, well, it’s good for the economy.

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today:  Buy pedestals for your new washer/dryer.  Keeps you from bending over and helps locate those panties and socks hiding from sight.  Always a plus.  Think about buying an IGuardStove.  It automatically shuts off unattended gas stovetops to prevent fires and alerts a family member you are losing it.  We aren’t there yet, but….  Consider a repairman’s advice.  High tech sounds enticing, but buy the dumbest appliances you can find to minimize your repair bills.  And, be prepared for possible disappointment from any new appliances—those darn, spiteful, inanimate objects.

Wrinkled Wisdom –Upside Down with Covid

We thought we’d be exiting Covid lockup by now.  Wrong!  We are, instead, at a standstill.  Or, maybe it’s better described as a Covid circle or cycle.  We open up; we hunker down.  We are getting the feeling that we oldies are going to locked up for months and months.  Does anyone see a light at the end of this tunnel??  Physical distancing outside with scotch and friends is not going to be fun in the snow.

We are pretty ticked at young people who are hitting bars, beaches, and partying, and driving up the Covid cases.  Let’s get even.  Let’s raise the drinking age to 35 for a year! 

That said, we are turning our frowns upside down and have gathered some random info about what’s upside down because of the virus.

♥ Gee, not surprisingly, the cosmetic industry is complaining about the drop in sales of makeup and perfume.  We get that.  Physical distancing and self-quarantining do present challenges to testing out a new product at the mall.  And, most of us are not heading to bars and parties and have limited time with family and friends.  No need to doll up to sit at home.  Delivery drivers, thankfully, don’t care what we look like.

♥Lipstick, especially, is expected to take a hit this year as we all responsibly and respectfully wear masks.  Who wants lipstick smeared all over the inside of our masks?  However, mask-wearing is prompting an emphasis on our eyes.  There is a newly-coined virus term, the Mascara Effect.  Check out television ads.  Not much for most makeup, but note the mascara ads.  Heck, should we even consider false eyelashes??   We do have much more time these days to look in the mirror; but, apparently, that is prompting us to spend more money on skincare, according to sales stats. 

♥ On the upside, being “Zoom ready” means looking good.  Even for guys.  Men are googling “male makeup looks” about how to cover redness and hide zits.  They are actually buying concealer to camouflage the bags under their eyes.  Men’s grooming has seen an incredible growth during the lockdown.  With Zoom, apparently clothes no longer make the man!  Oh, and we think they should do something about those hairs sticking out of their noses and ears before going on camera. 

♥ Scads of people have invested in gold over the past few months.  That’s not a good sign.  It suggests that these investors think disaster is near.  “Gold bugs” believe it is a hedge against a stock market catastrophe.  With gold prices so high, should we head to our jewelry boxes and bundle up our old stuff and then head to one of those stores blaring “we buy gold”?   Oh, but, some are predicting gold will surpass the “mythic” $2,000 an ounce price later this year.  Maybe better to wait before cashing in and have more money for checks to mail to the kids at Christmas since we may be still stuck at home? 

♥ Speaking about investing, we are kicking ourselves for not buying stock in Zoom or Nintendo or other companies proliferating because of Covid.  Duh!

♥ We had no idea there were so many dogs in the neighborhood, all now being walked excessively.  News articles are focusing on how owners should prepare their pets to avoid post-quarantine separation anxiety.  Okay.  Interesting.  Hadn’t thought about that.

♥ No question that home projects are at the top of many lists during lockup.  The handyman is booked for months and the tree trimmer has no openings until November.  What???   No checking off stuff from the to-do list soon.

♥ Can’t watch the news anymore.  Hallmark movies are at the top of our list.  Yes, they are predictable.  They have happy endings!  And, yikes, when we tune into old movies, we realize that there are many that sure wouldn’t cut it today.  Ouch!  It’s not just Gone with the Wind.

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?  Seek out all the fun quarantine memes for a giggle.  We were entertained by the one that noted that the trash goes out more than we do.  We could definitely use those panties we had when kids, which were marked with the days of the week.  It is Thursday, right?  And, remember how we used to wish that the weekend would last forever?  Happy now???   

Wrinkled Wisdom – What Day Is It?

OMG!  Another month in lock up!  We’ve been at home so long we can’t remember which day of the week it is and were shocked to realize that it’s July.  

As the weeks slog on, many states are further easing restrictions.  We can actually eat at a table in a restaurant, with physical distancing requirements limiting customers, of course.  With bar seating gone, have to order food.  We’d feel guilty taking a table to just drink and drink and drink.  And, we can go back to the gym…by appointment only.  Confession: we did get a manicure/pedicure.  

Coloradans can now travel outside our immediate area to “recreate.”   No, not recreate as in create something again like our pre-Covid lives.  Think short “e” and accent on the first syllable.  We were confused by the word; we can’t even find it in the dictionary.  It almost sounds naughty.  In this context, it refers to recreation.  We can now head to our national parks and go camping.  Stuff like that.  

Reset!  Our governor isn’t talking about more freedom for all Coloradans.  He’s urging “older folks” to stay home.  Screw that.  We are loosening up and seeing family and some friends.  Yes, we are being very careful, physical distancing, and washing our hands every chance we get.  And, of course, wearing masks.  Wait.  The new acting head of the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, a former banker, just warned governors and mayors that mandating face masks is an open invitation to hold-up artists and will lead to more bank robberies.  And, we thought we were making a joke when we brought that up in a recent Wrinkled Wisdom!

Flour is back on the shelves. Too late.  The novelty of baking is over.  We’re just watching the cooking channel and ordering in.  But, television is disappointing.  We aren’t in the mood for violence, reality shows, and foolish characters we just want to slap.  We want happy endings!  And, have you noticed that everyone in the TV movies is standing way too close to each other?

Yes!  AMC will open most of its theaters in July, but admitted it has “substantial doubt” that it can stay in business after shuttering all of its locations during the pandemic.  One clever theater’s marque reads:  No close encounters of any kind.  

And, it’s going to get worse.  Executives of major television networks are assuming that the dozens of series, whose production has been halted because of the coronavirus pandemic, won’t be returning anytime soon. And, no new shows.  What about all of us couch-potatoing our lives away during the pandemic?  Entertainment has become much more important in lockup.  BC (before Covid), the conversation lulled if you asked someone what they were watching on TV.  Now, AC (after Covid), what are your favorite TV shows follows the requisite how’s the family?  

Will we change behaviors after this ends?  Experts are saying we may never visit a car dealership again, because buying a new car is as easy as ordering groceries or takeout.  Nope.  If we purchase a new car, we will need lots of attention from the salesperson so we can learn about all these new safety technologies and turn off the annoying ones.  Retail stores are filing for bankruptcy.  That doesn’t necessarily mean they will go out of business, but….  More people are in the habit of buying their clothes online.  

Will we ever shake hands again?  When will we feel comfortable getting on an airplane?  

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?   Okay, we admit it.  We are currently out of wisdom.  Just keep thinking this is like being 16 again.  Gas is cheap but we’re grounded for talking back to the parents. 

P.S. Our bank emailed us that June was Elder Financial Protection Month and we should all learn about scammers.  Huh?  We don’t need any tips to help protect us from fraud.  We all know about the grandparents’ scam.

P.P.S. And AARP is warning about “sextortion” scams aimed at oldies.  Sure, as if we’d fall for that one.  Bet the kids would get a laugh though.  No, the kids would definitely get a laugh!

Wrinkled Wisdom: The Times They Are a-Changin’

The lyrics of this 1964 Bob Dylan song sure ring true today.  “There is a battle outside raging.”  Today, it’s called Covid-19.   Do we oldies have a lot to look forward to as states begin to open up?  What will be a-changin’?   If Colorado’s safer-at-home guidance is the norm, not much!  Seniors must still stay at home unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Yes!  Salons are opening.  We could get a manicure/pedicure!  Necessary?  Pretty much if we want to wear sandals this summer.  We could get our hair cut and colored.  Beards trimmed.  Necessary?  Absolutely.  With selfies down 68 percent since Covid-19 arrived, heading to the hairdresser tops the list.  But, will vanity trump caution?

Bottom line?   We’re still at home.  Still physical distancing.  Still wearing masks.  Still drinking quarantinis.   If corporate America is any clue, we’ll be locked up for a long time.  Google and Facebook just told their employees they can work at home until next year.  Researchers better get hopping on a safe and effective vaccine.

Other things that are a-changin’?  Sports.  We can always watch South Korean baseball stream on ESPN.   But, U.S. baseball, football, and other sports?  Stay tuned.  Like NASCAR and PGA tours, they may return minus fans clapping and hollering. A South Korean football team came up with a unique approach to fill the empty stands…sex dolls.  That didn’t go over well.

Since we all are locked up at home and watching more television, not surprising that the sales of pajamas increased 143 percent in April.  And, it’s been hard not to notice how television advertising has changed.  It’s now “sensitive.”  There’s an endless recitation of phrases like “we’ve always been there for you;” “we may be apart, but we can stay connected;” and “we’ll get through this together.”  

No more Charmin ads going on and on about its ultra-soft product.  Instead, a Cottonelle ad urges Americans to stop hoarding toilet paper and “share a square” with friends and neighbors in need of a roll.  Quilted Northern’s new ad features shots of a production factory and delivery trucks on the road.  The message: “We’re on it.”   About time!

Thankfully, toilet paper can actually be found in most grocery stores now.  While we gazed longingly at the empty shelves for weeks, many people ignored warnings about flushing napkins, wipes, and paper towels down the john.  This led to an economic stimulus for plumbers.  Really!

Another thing that’s a-changin’?  More people are ordering groceries instead of heading to the store.  This is terrific until the wrong peanut butter brand is delivered, and we scrunch our nose in disgust.  Then we learned that the grocery store won’t take returns!   You’ve touched it.  Bummer.

Everyone now assumes you don’t have anything to do you can’t do later and there’s truth in that.  So, when you get a call from someone you haven’t spoken to in years and the conversation goes on forever and ever, just go to your front door and ring your doorbell.  Then say, “Oops, my grocery delivery just arrived.  Have to hang up.”  

And, in this tough time, don’t forget the animals.  If you received that government stimulus check, consider donating to your local zoo.  Zoos depend on ticket sales, not Facebook likes.  They are in trouble.  

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?  The CDC wants us to delay haircuts and manicures—all “non-essential” appointments.  We are thinking twice about their advice when looking in the mirror.  Think twice before booking that Carnival cruise scheduled for August.  Support the Post Office; buy stamps online.  Don’t be embarrassed to admit you’ve added a bird-watching app to your phone.  No, the meat shortage is not a vegetarian plot.  In memoriam, remember Little Richard.  Play some of his music, so popular when we were kids.  His 1970 album “Freedom Blues” seems very appropriate as we struggle with lock up and can’t wait to be free again.

P.S.  Let’s agree to dump the term “social distancing” and replace it with “physical distancing.”  Social distancing sounds, well, antisocial.  We are quite capable of having a conversation while sitting six feet apart.  More than ever, we need to laugh with and vent to our friends in person!   

P.P.S.  Stay healthy and sane!

Wrinkled Wisdom: STILL Locked Up at Home??

“Coloradans can now get tattoos.”  That was the lead of a news article discussing the end to our governor’s stay-at-home order.  Under the new safer-at-home approach, we are not ordered to stay home, just “strongly advised” to stay at home. Will this make a difference for oldies?  Not much.  We’re retired.   No escaping the house to a workplace.  

It’s going to be a long time till we can hit a bar or restaurant with friends and family.   We do some social-distancing with them; but, time together is usually cut short because we have to get home to hit the john.

Is vanity playing a big part in decisions by some governors to relax stay-at-home orders?  Salons are now open!  Looking good; feeling good.  We have been struggling with manicures and especially pedicures.  Just not as flexible as we used to be; bad news for our toes.  And, we strongly recommend against cutting your own hair after a quarantini or two.

Some governors are allowing gyms to open.  Familiar with the term “Freshman 15”?  That is how much weight students are expected to gain in their first year of college, 15 pounds.  Hmmm.  Worried about the implications of the term Covid-19??? 

Okay, the good news is that we haven’t run out of toilet paper.  And, we’re saving money on dry cleaning.  It’s not like we’re getting dressed up to go to grocery, liquor, and hardware stores or pharmacies or marijuana dispensaries.  

Our water bill may drop too since we’re living in our PJs most of the time and doing less laundry.  But we are washing our hands more often.  Hmmm.  Guess that might be a wash.  (Did we just hear a giggle or was that a groan???)

Saving money isn’t any consolation.  While the media often refers to staying home as a lockdown, we jokingly describe it as being locked up.  Yes, yes, we know it is absolutely the right thing to do; but.  We are getting lots of emails from friends with the same message:  this is getting tougher.  The novelty has worn off.   We’re antsy.

It’s fun to hear from people we haven’t heard from for ages, suddenly checking in to see if we are alive.  And, it’s been entertaining to get lots of inquiries from young neighbors asking if they can pick up anything for us at the store.  Huh?  We can still drive!  Then we realized loads of organizations have urged people to help the elderly.  And, by definition, we are the elderly!  Hate that term.

Since we are oldies and at a higher risk for developing more serious complications from COVID-19, we asked ourselves: is it smart to take advantage of senior hours at grocery stores?  Does lumping a bunch of vulnerable seniors together at one time make sense—even if we might get to the toilet paper first?  We all have a pre-existing condition—aging.

Good thing we can’t walk into our banks.  Wearing masks could create panic.  Now we just bring multiple disinfectant wipes when we drive through or use the ATM.

We have used some of our new-found free time to do a bunch of stuff around the house.  Some projects are just so boring that we stopped.  And, social distancing at Home Depot is a challenge.  Besides, it’s just so easy to say: I’ll do that tomorrow.  Ah…procrastination!

We still don’t know for sure whether Covid-19 will result in more babies than breakups.  But, one national law firm reports that they’ve gotten so many calls about divorce that they’ve added extra hours.  Divorce mediation is now online.  A hint, maybe?

So our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?  Hang in there.  Don’t forget your mask.  Call your insurance company and drop insurance on that second car for a couple of months.  Step outside at 8 p.m. and scream and shout and howl to honor our healthcare and frontline workers.  Think pork plant closings and hoard bacon.  If you are bored, count Dr. Birx’s scarves.  And, take note.  A Maryland police department just issued a warning:  “Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox.  You know who you are.  This is your final warning.”