Wrinkled Wisdom – What Day Is It?

OMG!  Another month in lock up!  We’ve been at home so long we can’t remember which day of the week it is and were shocked to realize that it’s July.  

As the weeks slog on, many states are further easing restrictions.  We can actually eat at a table in a restaurant, with physical distancing requirements limiting customers, of course.  With bar seating gone, have to order food.  We’d feel guilty taking a table to just drink and drink and drink.  And, we can go back to the gym…by appointment only.  Confession: we did get a manicure/pedicure.  

Coloradans can now travel outside our immediate area to “recreate.”   No, not recreate as in create something again like our pre-Covid lives.  Think short “e” and accent on the first syllable.  We were confused by the word; we can’t even find it in the dictionary.  It almost sounds naughty.  In this context, it refers to recreation.  We can now head to our national parks and go camping.  Stuff like that.  

Reset!  Our governor isn’t talking about more freedom for all Coloradans.  He’s urging “older folks” to stay home.  Screw that.  We are loosening up and seeing family and some friends.  Yes, we are being very careful, physical distancing, and washing our hands every chance we get.  And, of course, wearing masks.  Wait.  The new acting head of the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency, a former banker, just warned governors and mayors that mandating face masks is an open invitation to hold-up artists and will lead to more bank robberies.  And, we thought we were making a joke when we brought that up in a recent Wrinkled Wisdom!

Flour is back on the shelves. Too late.  The novelty of baking is over.  We’re just watching the cooking channel and ordering in.  But, television is disappointing.  We aren’t in the mood for violence, reality shows, and foolish characters we just want to slap.  We want happy endings!  And, have you noticed that everyone in the TV movies is standing way too close to each other?

Yes!  AMC will open most of its theaters in July, but admitted it has “substantial doubt” that it can stay in business after shuttering all of its locations during the pandemic.  One clever theater’s marque reads:  No close encounters of any kind.  

And, it’s going to get worse.  Executives of major television networks are assuming that the dozens of series, whose production has been halted because of the coronavirus pandemic, won’t be returning anytime soon. And, no new shows.  What about all of us couch-potatoing our lives away during the pandemic?  Entertainment has become much more important in lockup.  BC (before Covid), the conversation lulled if you asked someone what they were watching on TV.  Now, AC (after Covid), what are your favorite TV shows follows the requisite how’s the family?  

Will we change behaviors after this ends?  Experts are saying we may never visit a car dealership again, because buying a new car is as easy as ordering groceries or takeout.  Nope.  If we purchase a new car, we will need lots of attention from the salesperson so we can learn about all these new safety technologies and turn off the annoying ones.  Retail stores are filing for bankruptcy.  That doesn’t necessarily mean they will go out of business, but….  More people are in the habit of buying their clothes online.  

Will we ever shake hands again?  When will we feel comfortable getting on an airplane?  

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?   Okay, we admit it.  We are currently out of wisdom.  Just keep thinking this is like being 16 again.  Gas is cheap but we’re grounded for talking back to the parents. 

P.S. Our bank emailed us that June was Elder Financial Protection Month and we should all learn about scammers.  Huh?  We don’t need any tips to help protect us from fraud.  We all know about the grandparents’ scam.

P.P.S. And AARP is warning about “sextortion” scams aimed at oldies.  Sure, as if we’d fall for that one.  Bet the kids would get a laugh though.  No, the kids would definitely get a laugh!

Wrinkled Wisdom: The Times They Are a-Changin’

The lyrics of this 1964 Bob Dylan song sure ring true today.  “There is a battle outside raging.”  Today, it’s called Covid-19.   Do we oldies have a lot to look forward to as states begin to open up?  What will be a-changin’?   If Colorado’s safer-at-home guidance is the norm, not much!  Seniors must still stay at home unless it’s absolutely necessary.

Yes!  Salons are opening.  We could get a manicure/pedicure!  Necessary?  Pretty much if we want to wear sandals this summer.  We could get our hair cut and colored.  Beards trimmed.  Necessary?  Absolutely.  With selfies down 68 percent since Covid-19 arrived, heading to the hairdresser tops the list.  But, will vanity trump caution?

Bottom line?   We’re still at home.  Still physical distancing.  Still wearing masks.  Still drinking quarantinis.   If corporate America is any clue, we’ll be locked up for a long time.  Google and Facebook just told their employees they can work at home until next year.  Researchers better get hopping on a safe and effective vaccine.

Other things that are a-changin’?  Sports.  We can always watch South Korean baseball stream on ESPN.   But, U.S. baseball, football, and other sports?  Stay tuned.  Like NASCAR and PGA tours, they may return minus fans clapping and hollering. A South Korean football team came up with a unique approach to fill the empty stands…sex dolls.  That didn’t go over well.

Since we all are locked up at home and watching more television, not surprising that the sales of pajamas increased 143 percent in April.  And, it’s been hard not to notice how television advertising has changed.  It’s now “sensitive.”  There’s an endless recitation of phrases like “we’ve always been there for you;” “we may be apart, but we can stay connected;” and “we’ll get through this together.”  

No more Charmin ads going on and on about its ultra-soft product.  Instead, a Cottonelle ad urges Americans to stop hoarding toilet paper and “share a square” with friends and neighbors in need of a roll.  Quilted Northern’s new ad features shots of a production factory and delivery trucks on the road.  The message: “We’re on it.”   About time!

Thankfully, toilet paper can actually be found in most grocery stores now.  While we gazed longingly at the empty shelves for weeks, many people ignored warnings about flushing napkins, wipes, and paper towels down the john.  This led to an economic stimulus for plumbers.  Really!

Another thing that’s a-changin’?  More people are ordering groceries instead of heading to the store.  This is terrific until the wrong peanut butter brand is delivered, and we scrunch our nose in disgust.  Then we learned that the grocery store won’t take returns!   You’ve touched it.  Bummer.

Everyone now assumes you don’t have anything to do you can’t do later and there’s truth in that.  So, when you get a call from someone you haven’t spoken to in years and the conversation goes on forever and ever, just go to your front door and ring your doorbell.  Then say, “Oops, my grocery delivery just arrived.  Have to hang up.”  

And, in this tough time, don’t forget the animals.  If you received that government stimulus check, consider donating to your local zoo.  Zoos depend on ticket sales, not Facebook likes.  They are in trouble.  

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?  The CDC wants us to delay haircuts and manicures—all “non-essential” appointments.  We are thinking twice about their advice when looking in the mirror.  Think twice before booking that Carnival cruise scheduled for August.  Support the Post Office; buy stamps online.  Don’t be embarrassed to admit you’ve added a bird-watching app to your phone.  No, the meat shortage is not a vegetarian plot.  In memoriam, remember Little Richard.  Play some of his music, so popular when we were kids.  His 1970 album “Freedom Blues” seems very appropriate as we struggle with lock up and can’t wait to be free again.

P.S.  Let’s agree to dump the term “social distancing” and replace it with “physical distancing.”  Social distancing sounds, well, antisocial.  We are quite capable of having a conversation while sitting six feet apart.  More than ever, we need to laugh with and vent to our friends in person!   

P.P.S.  Stay healthy and sane!

Wrinkled Wisdom: STILL Locked Up at Home??

“Coloradans can now get tattoos.”  That was the lead of a news article discussing the end to our governor’s stay-at-home order.  Under the new safer-at-home approach, we are not ordered to stay home, just “strongly advised” to stay at home. Will this make a difference for oldies?  Not much.  We’re retired.   No escaping the house to a workplace.  

It’s going to be a long time till we can hit a bar or restaurant with friends and family.   We do some social-distancing with them; but, time together is usually cut short because we have to get home to hit the john.

Is vanity playing a big part in decisions by some governors to relax stay-at-home orders?  Salons are now open!  Looking good; feeling good.  We have been struggling with manicures and especially pedicures.  Just not as flexible as we used to be; bad news for our toes.  And, we strongly recommend against cutting your own hair after a quarantini or two.

Some governors are allowing gyms to open.  Familiar with the term “Freshman 15”?  That is how much weight students are expected to gain in their first year of college, 15 pounds.  Hmmm.  Worried about the implications of the term Covid-19??? 

Okay, the good news is that we haven’t run out of toilet paper.  And, we’re saving money on dry cleaning.  It’s not like we’re getting dressed up to go to grocery, liquor, and hardware stores or pharmacies or marijuana dispensaries.  

Our water bill may drop too since we’re living in our PJs most of the time and doing less laundry.  But we are washing our hands more often.  Hmmm.  Guess that might be a wash.  (Did we just hear a giggle or was that a groan???)

Saving money isn’t any consolation.  While the media often refers to staying home as a lockdown, we jokingly describe it as being locked up.  Yes, yes, we know it is absolutely the right thing to do; but.  We are getting lots of emails from friends with the same message:  this is getting tougher.  The novelty has worn off.   We’re antsy.

It’s fun to hear from people we haven’t heard from for ages, suddenly checking in to see if we are alive.  And, it’s been entertaining to get lots of inquiries from young neighbors asking if they can pick up anything for us at the store.  Huh?  We can still drive!  Then we realized loads of organizations have urged people to help the elderly.  And, by definition, we are the elderly!  Hate that term.

Since we are oldies and at a higher risk for developing more serious complications from COVID-19, we asked ourselves: is it smart to take advantage of senior hours at grocery stores?  Does lumping a bunch of vulnerable seniors together at one time make sense—even if we might get to the toilet paper first?  We all have a pre-existing condition—aging.

Good thing we can’t walk into our banks.  Wearing masks could create panic.  Now we just bring multiple disinfectant wipes when we drive through or use the ATM.

We have used some of our new-found free time to do a bunch of stuff around the house.  Some projects are just so boring that we stopped.  And, social distancing at Home Depot is a challenge.  Besides, it’s just so easy to say: I’ll do that tomorrow.  Ah…procrastination!

We still don’t know for sure whether Covid-19 will result in more babies than breakups.  But, one national law firm reports that they’ve gotten so many calls about divorce that they’ve added extra hours.  Divorce mediation is now online.  A hint, maybe?

So our Wrinkled Wisdom for today?  Hang in there.  Don’t forget your mask.  Call your insurance company and drop insurance on that second car for a couple of months.  Step outside at 8 p.m. and scream and shout and howl to honor our healthcare and frontline workers.  Think pork plant closings and hoard bacon.  If you are bored, count Dr. Birx’s scarves.  And, take note.  A Maryland police department just issued a warning:  “Please remember to put pants on before leaving the house to check your mailbox.  You know who you are.  This is your final warning.”