We all know George Washington didn’t chop down a cherry tree. What we didn’t know is that this myth was invented by one of his biographers, an itinerant minister and bookseller who just wanted to sell books. The myth amplifies young George’s honesty when challenged by his father. “I cannot tell a lie….”  Dad rejoices in his honesty underscoring the biographer’s strategy to present Washington as a perfect role model for young Americans. Creating a lie to amplify Washington’s honesty? Isn’t that a bit ironic?

We know Marie Antoinette didn’t say “let them eat cake.” It was reportedly the queen’s nasty, oblivious retort when told her starving peasant subjects had no bread. The philosopher who wrote the phrase attributed it only to “a great princess,” when Marie Antoinette was just a kid. Historians guess that revolutionaries attributed the quote to her to provoke opposition to the monarchy. Oh, and in French, the quote translates to…let them eat brioche. Brioche is a bread! Okay, it can be a bit sweet. But.

We know that Edison didn’t invent light bulbs. They existed before Edison was even born! Edison’s invention improved on work by Joseph Swan, a British chemist, who developed a more affordable light bulb. Swan then adopted Edison’s improved filament. Edison sued Swan. Swan sued Edison. Then a light bulb went off in their heads. The two joined forces, forming Edison-Swan United, which became one of the largest light bulb manufacturers in the world.

Legend has it that an Austrian nobleman forced townsfolks to uncover their heads in homage when royalty walked by. Oops! William Tell supposedly kept his hood on one day, ticking off the duke’s bailiff. The punishment? Shoot an apple off your son’s noggin or off with both of your heads. Whew! Tell pulled that off. He also is rumored to have assassinated a duke, encouraging open rebellion, and has long been considered the father of the Swiss Confederacy. Pretty momentous reputation for someone who isn’t even real!

Okay, the Swiss got democracy and we all got the William Tell Overture. The music has been in dramatically different films—Walt Disney’s Mickey Mouse cartoon The Band Concert and the violent movie A Clockwork Orange. We’re old.  But we aren’t old enough to have watched The Band Concert. Guess the overture is as malleable as the myth.

Even the revered poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow rewrote history. In his poem, Paul Revere’s Ride, he wanted to create an inspiring message—that one man, in pursuit of a noble cause, really can make a difference. In Revere’s case, the start of the Revolutionary War. Historians say the poem has only one flaw: it is inaccurate in almost every way. Revere never shouted “the British are coming!” as he rode from town to town. He had to be discreet because British troops were hiding out in the Massachusetts countryside. He wasn’t waiting for the two church tower lanterns to be lit to signal the British were coming by sea. He knew that before he left Boston. They were a fallback alert in case he could not get out of Boston. And, Revere did not ride alone that night. Other than that!

We are sad to report that Chinese fortune cookies were first created in Japan then redesigned and baked by Japanese Americans. The Japanese bombing of Pearl Harbor resulted in the internment of Japanese Americans. No more Japanese bakeries! Chinese American entrepreneurs saw an opening and began to produce and sell the cookies. Oh, in China, they are considered American. Who else would play those lucky numbers often found on the cookies in lotteries? Think twice, China, American players have used those numbers to win over $400 million in lotteries since 2004. 

Other myths dispelled? Big disappointment when we learned Buddha wasn’t fat and Vikings didn’t wear horns on their helmets. We are pretending we don’t know. We prefer to enjoy “Hagar the Horrible” and rotund Buddhas. And, George Washington Carver didn’t invent peanut butter. Credit the Incas and Aztecs. He did discover over 300 uses for peanuts, including shampoo, shaving cream, and glue. Huh???? Most importantly, he promoted a crop rotation system that increased yields and improved nutrients and organic matter in the soil. We love this guy.

Know that it is not a myth that tongue prints are going to be the new thing. Yes, tongue prints. Bad guys use acid to burn their fingers, erase their fingerprints, and evade identification. The notorious bank robber John Dillinger did it in the 1930s. Not a new thing! Doubt that bad guys will burn their tongues. Tongue prints, apparently, are more reliable than fingerprints and even better than retinal scans. In Colorado, we are fingerprinted for drivers’ license renewals to check if we have a criminal history. Will we soon be sticking our tongues out at DMV staff???

So, our Wrinkled Wisdom for today? Some myths and legends are harmless. The ones that last are too fun, and too convenient, to kill. Wear your Viking’s helmet with horns proudly. Play those fortune cookie lucky numbers. You never know. If a myth is worth the moral, tell it with your fingers crossed behind your back. Oh, and keep your tongues clean just in case.