We have titled this post “Olio.” That is olio ending in “io,” which is defined as a miscellaneous collection of things, a hodgepodge, a patchwork, even a mishmash. Don’t mistake this for oleo with an “eo”—the margarine, fake butter. Ah, homonyms. They can be so confusing.
Some topics do not merit an entire column. But, we need to vent. So, we are not going solo…but olio.
We can’t open stuff. We are not alone! A YouTube video titled 6 Easy Hacks for Hard-To-Open Things has had almost three million viewers! Our favorite is using two quarters to open bags of our favorite junk food. The video also recommends using a rubber band around jar lids. Hmmm. We’ll try that. We constantly wrestle with jars and bottle tops using a latex kitchen glove, sometimes with success.
How ironic that Geritol, the multivitamin mineral supplement plus iron that we think of as a must for oldies, presents a challenge every time we do the push down and turn thing, struggling to open the bottle. Soon, in desperation, we will head to the grocery store’s service desk before going home and ask for help opening everything we just purchased.
And, does food shopping cause loss of vision and deafness? Why would you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle? We muse that these are the same people who drive slowly in the left lane and don’t see lights turn green. Or, are they the dreaded texters who are oblivious???
Speaking of phones, could people just keep it down in public?? It might not be so bad if we could hear the other side of the conversation and offer our opinions. But, frankly we aren’t interested in the intimate details of their divorce or sex life while working out at the gym. TMI! Take a walk or call back.
Perfume?! OMG. Some people just don’t get that there can be too much of a good thing. You can smell them from 10 feet away and their scent can induce gasping in the elevator even after they have exited. Hmmm…maybe we should be less critical on this one. Reportedly, decreased sense of smell may indicate early dementia.
Drivers who take up two parking spots invite bad karma! Yes, we understand new car parking, but that generally involves an inconvenience to the driver who chooses to park at the far end of the lot, not irritate everyone else by straddling two spots up front! Also, a hex on those who don’t park within the lines, making it impossible for any car but a MINI Cooper to sidle up next to them.
We respect bicyclists and their commitment to reducing energy use and CO2 emissions. But being a goody two shoes does not give them license to be self-centered and reckless, and ignore the law. That said, we would remind bicyclists that, in an altercation with a car, they will generally be the big losers. And, wait. Just love this. Some claim that a cyclist who consumes mostly meat could ultimately be creating more carbon emissions than a vegan or vegetarian driving a low-emission vehicle. Think cows burping, not so much that other emission. This may be a stretch…but it is a fun equivalency.
Whether we are making a call about our cable service, a mistake on a bill, or a plane ticket, being put on hold is exasperating. Yes, we put the phone on speaker and go back to what we were doing. But, the experience is exacerbated by bad music, infomercials, and announcements that the representatives are still helping other customers. We get it!!! We know we are on hold. Don’t tell us we are on hold. We were surprised to learn that 67 percent of us will hang up in disgust and that the 50 percent of us, who finally speak with a representative, will put the phone down without the problem being resolved. Wow.
Okay, we are running out of space. No time to bitch about labels on shampoos being too small to read in the shower without our glasses. Did we just use the conditioner instead of the shampoo???? Or, all those annoying cold callers. Or spam e-mail. Or pop up ads. Or people oversharing information about their medical issues in excruciating detail. Or. Or. Or.
Our wrinkled wisdom for today? Vent. It can be positive if done judiciously. We could advocate for greater thoughtfulness and courtesy, but that’s naive. And, it sure would be great if companies designed products with oldies in mind. Worst case scenario?? Just lower your expectations. It’s the secret to happiness. Or so psychiatrists would have us believe.