The pandemic has made us very aware of the importance of physical distancing…from the refrigerator.   More time at home wearing lounge wear and lounging are also taking their toll.  Social media jokesters refer to it as the “Quarantine 15.”   We’re not laughing.   Even worse, getting on your scale and seeing the bad news could send you straight to the nearest comfort food.   

Speaking of refrigerators, want to buy one?  Good luck.

Who knew appliances are all in short supply nationwide thanks to the pandemic.  COVID-related circumstances have completely disrupted the supply chains of many industries.  That means fewer choices.  Between the two of us, we speak from experience.

But, before we start bitching about our new appliances, we must point to the accuracy of a term a humorist coined in 1948.  We can barely pronounce “resistentialism,” defined as “seemingly spiteful behaviour manifested by inanimate objects.”   Second that!

The refrigerator went kaput.  To add insult to injury, it moaned for a couple of days until a strong nephew wrenched it away from the wall and unplugged it.  Only one model was available for delivery in two weeks.  Two weeks without a refrigerator!!!  And, there was an unknown tradeoff.  The compressor of the new frig is so loud that it sounds like a car idling in the kitchen.   Definitely spiteful behavior!

So much cooking and cleaning seems to have worn out the dishwasher, cooktop, and stove.  It turns out that the new dishwasher’s controls can’t be seen when the door is closed, so you can’t tell when it’s running or if the cycle is complete.  Gee, what a brilliant design.

Let’s move on to the new cooktop and stove.  Every cooking show features a gas cooktop.  Experts brag that gas cooktops allow for instant changes in heat and cook more evenly.  And, gas cooktop to the rescue if there is an electric power outage.   Just need one of those long-reach butane candle lighters and, yes, you can then eat something; and, most importantly, enjoy that essential hot morning coffee. 

Okay.  Gas cooktop.  We misunderstood the sales person.  Thought the oven would be electric.  Nope.  We are adapting and focusing on the positives.  Gas stoves are reportedly more precise when changing heat temperatures.  But, what idiot puts the oven’s push-button controls right behind the gas burners??  These controls are spot sensitive and hard on old arthritic hands and fingers.  We have almost caught our clothes on fire reaching for the timer.  And the controls are hard to see.  Another spiteful appliance!

Then the washer refused to empty and the dryer seemed slow.  Crap.  More new appliances.  We reportedly have the capability to run the new ones via a phone app.  NOT HAPPENING.  Again, we can hardly see the controls.  They are dark on dark!!  To wash and dry a load of laundry, we really do need a flashlight to see what we are doing.  And, the dryer light does not stay on and is unhelpfully mentioned in the instructions.  The washer cycle explanation had to be downloaded from the internet because the instruction manual was useless.   

And, why is everything stainless?  They are advertised as smudge free.  Sure.   

Handyman did install a new toilet in the guest bathroom, but who cares.  It hasn’t been used for months.   Hmmm… lockup has been surprisingly expensive.  And, after all this time at home, well, kind of itching for a new couch and ottoman.   Oh, well, it’s good for the economy.

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today:  Buy pedestals for your new washer/dryer.  Keeps you from bending over and helps locate those panties and socks hiding from sight.  Always a plus.  Think about buying an IGuardStove.  It automatically shuts off unattended gas stovetops to prevent fires and alerts a family member you are losing it.  We aren’t there yet, but….  Consider a repairman’s advice.  High tech sounds enticing, but buy the dumbest appliances you can find to minimize your repair bills.  And, be prepared for possible disappointment from any new appliances—those darn, spiteful, inanimate objects.