Thin-skinned

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No, we aren’t just talking about Merriam Webster and its definition of “thin-skinned” as people who are easily bothered by criticism or insults, or fruits and vegetables that have thin skins or rinds, like peaches.

In fact, we suggest Merriam Webster update its definition of “thin-skinned.”  We’re talking about oldies’ thin skin and easy bruising.  Hey, what caused that black and blue mark?  I have no idea.

It’s not our imagination.  As we age, our skin becomes drier, thinner, and less elastic, and retains less moisture.  Menopause doesn’t help.  Add to that years of sun exposure, and, yes, pollution.  As kids, we spent our summers at the New Jersey shore.  Sun screens?  Nope.  We’re surprised we still have noses.  One in every five of us will get skin cancer eventually.

Speaking of sunscreens, Hawaii just passed a law to ban those with certain chemicals to protect marine life and our coral reefs.  The top sunscreens contain these naughty ingredients.  We’ve never even heard of the acceptable ones.  But it’s important to use them.

And, thin skin sags!  Think about an old rubber band that doesn’t bounce back.  This is what causes lines on our foreheads and around our eyes and the corners of our mouth.  Jowls!  Wattles!  You know—turkey neck.  Couple this with sagging skin resulting from losing height as our back discs flatten and our spines shrink.  We don’t have a chance!

That darn thinning of our skin is the cause of the easy bruising.  We’ve lost some of the protective fatty layer that cushions the blows.  Heck, most of the time, we don’t remember bumping into anything.  And, of course, more “good news”—women are prone to bruising more as they get older.

We understand the argument that hospitals not have squared off corners, but only rounded ones.  We’re not making that up.  It’s been researched.  Also, it’s dangerous to walk by low furniture or benches; the shins get so damaged and always in the same spot!

It’s not fun to wear slacks on the hottest of days; however, the bruises and bandages are unattractive.  No Band-Aids seem designed for adults.  Options are only those ugly, drab, beige ones.  We have resorted to the kids’ Band-Aids, which are decked out with Minions and princesses!  At least they are a conversation starter.  Now there’s a potential new market!  How about Band-Aids decorated with impressionist paintings or the Beatles???

Of course, there is the option of wearing Wikkies, which are marketed as revolutionary leg protectors for fragile thin skin.  Their website says the idea was born out of frustration and a desire to make a difference—and market a practical solution that works.  Yes, we are frustrated with bruising, but not enough to wear those bulky, ugly leg guards.  Heck, there are always the grandkids’ shin guards in a pinch.

Harking back to Webster’s definitions, we would be dishonest if we didn’t point out that our thin skin isn’t just literally thin, it’s figuratively thin when faced with ageism and young people’s stereotyping of and discrimination toward us oldies.  We knew we had crossed a line that day we were called “ma’am” rather than “miss.”  And since we are admittedly thin-skinned, we want to strangle people.

We resent their technology snobbery.  Yes, we can use Netflix.  Well, we can now that the remote has that listening feature!  Don’t these young people get it that aging isn’t a choice??  They will be there soon enough.  Too bad we won’t be around to see how they handle it and cope with distorted tattoos on their sagging skin.

Our Wrinkled Wisdom for today:   Remember, best of all, wisdom comes with age!  We were going to suggest cosmetic surgery, but Jane Fonda just said she hates the fact that “I’ve had the need to alter myself physically to feel that I’m OK,” and then mused that “I wish I wasn’t like that.  I love older faces.  I love lived-in faces.”  Sure.  Easy to say when you look great for almost 81.  So, try elevating bruised areas to drain fluid away from those black and blues.  It’s a perfect excuse to relax with a cold cocktail that can also be used to ice your latest bruise!  And, if vacationing in Hawaii, please, please, buy that approved sunscreen.

Huh??? What???

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There are a plethora of humorous greeting cards for sale that make fun of older individuals and hearing loss.  Surprised?  Nope.  Just think of it as a form of market segmentation aimed at us oldies!

Three old guys are walking together.  “It’s windy today,” says the first.  “No,” responds the second, “it’s Thursday.”  The third says, “I’m thirsty too.  Let’s have a beer.”  They can even get a bit racy.  Take the card with the doctor with a stethoscope who says to his aging female patient, “big breaths.”  “Yes, they used to be,” she answers.

Hearing loss ranks third among chronic health conditions affecting Americans.  And, researchers say the culprit is simply the noise that we all encounter in everyday life.  Teens and young adults are also at risk of noise-induced hearing loss.  Think about the impact on hearing from rock concerts and action movies.

But, let’s get real.  Age is the strongest predictor.  Nearly 25 percent of us between 65 to 74 and 50 percent of people over 74 are more apt to miss a bridge bid or mishear a comment.  Men are twice as likely to lose their hearing.  As they age, women have more difficulty with lower frequencies.

We’ve had some personal glitches.  We thought you said earring, or endearing or….  Oh, you are talking about hearing?  And, while listening to the financial channel, we couldn’t understand why they would be talking about vaginas.  They weren’t.  They were referencing something “for China.”  Then, it was prostate for pro state.  Euthanasia not youth in Asia.  The list goes on.

We love to eat out.  But, loud restaurants seem to be the norm.  We’re not alone.  It’s the top complaint from diners, according to the 2018 Zagat National Dining Trends Survey.  Restaurants’ modern, minimalist décor may be trendy, but those high ceilings and hard surfaces make conversation difficult.

Love the guy who wrote: From a health perspective, we should be as worried about the rising decibels of our favorite neighborhood joints and national chains as we are about their ballooning portion sizes.  Restaurant reviewers are ticked off as well and often list noise levels in their reviews.  Wow.  Our dining habits could be damaging our hearing.

You can ask the restaurant manager to turn down the music.  Sure.  As if that’s going to happen.

AARP to the rescue!  The group for oldies suggests choosing a booth not a table, sitting along the perimeter of the dining room so sounds aren’t coming from all sides of the restaurant, and avoiding tables near the kitchen.   But, here’s our favorite.  Tell the waiter that you read lips, so he or she will enunciate clearly.

Yikes, there are even apps.  One called SoundPrint takes a decibel reading to help you choose the quietest area of the restaurant to sit, drink, and eat. Normal conversation is about 60 decibels.  If the restaurant’s noise is 70 to 80 decibels, you’ll need to lean across the table and yell.  For perspective, know that New York City restaurants average 77 decibels.  New York City bars hit 81 decibels.  Yes, that’s New York.  But, we’re betting restaurants all over the country are equally jarring.

The best news?  Musicians’ earplugs.  They filter out loud sounds and allow you to hear quieter sounds.  Etymotics Research makes the earplugs, which can cost as much as $300, but sells a version for $15.  Amazon ranks these inexpensive earplugs at No. 386 for all electronics products—every electronic product you can think of.  That means that a fair number of people have already bought them and wear them to concerts, football games, movies, and, yes, noisy restaurants.  Imagine.  Enjoying the entertainment while being able to hear what your friends are saying.

Our Wrinkled Wisdom for today:  Go online to Amazon today and order the musicians’ earplugs.  Carry them everywhere!  Think of it as you would defensive peeing.  Let restaurant managers know you aren’t happy about the noise level and cite research about hearing loss for those working in that environment.  If he or she blows you off, just roll your eyes and know that the manager will be losing his or her hearing at quite an early age.  We guess that’s what is known as serving revenge cold.

Flying: Then and Now

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Remember when airplane travel was fun?  It sure wasn’t fun for the doctor dragged off that overbooked plane.  And, it certainly wasn’t fun for the women sitting near the guy who peed on the seat in front of him or those “exposed” to the exhibitionists masturbating for thrills.  Reports of sexual assaults on planes are way up, possibly because of increased reporting, though no regulatory body tracks reports.  And, airlines are flummoxed about what to do.  It’s not like the women can call 911!

These events made some noteworthy headlines.  But, we want to talk about incremental changes.  Safety is sometimes the reason.  But, predominantly, it’s the bottom line.  As ABBA’s song lyrics emphasize…money, money, money.

We appreciate that safety is important and the need to create the TSA after 9/11.  But, let’s be honest, it’s a pain to be at the airport two hours in advance of your flight to navigate the TSA lines and follow all the rules.

Remove your shoes, belts, jackets, jewelry, and hats.  Don’t have any liquid in your carry-on bag that’s more than 3.4 ounces.  Huh?  Oh, that jives with the European Union’s limit of 100 milliliters.  It’s the metric system, silly.  That unopened bottle of water from home won’t make it through security.  Friends can no longer meet you at the gate when you arrive.  You can lock your luggage, but only with TSA-approved locks the agency can open with a master key.  Big brother?

Don’t forget to tell a TSA rep that you’ve had a hip or knee replacement.  You can ignore TSA’s requirement that you bring a certificate or letter from your doctor.  You’ll just have to go through that special metal detector and wait for a same-sex pat-down.

Airlines hype cheap fares but forget the bennies.  We’ve been paying for checked bags since 2008.  No racks with magazines to read.  No pillows.  No blankets.  No free food.  Oh, maybe in first class.  Often no seat-back TVs.  You are expected to watch the airline’s library of movies and TV programs on your phone, tablet, or laptop.  Some planes and waiting area seating have been retrofitted with electrical plugs.  Keep your fingers crossed they are plentiful and working.

Passengers are packed in like sardines as airlines add additional seating.  Legroom?  Forget it.  In some cases, the retrofitting has caused windows to become unaligned with rows, a source of potential conflict that may require mediation if you and the person in the row sharing the window can’t agree whether the shade should be up or down.  Overbooking flights is, unfortunately, now standard and legal in order to compensate for customers who don’t show up.  No more empty middle seats.

And, wow, American Airlines is now saying it will shrink its bathrooms to 24 inches.  Airlines’ bathrooms used to be 34 inches wide on average, then dropped to 27 inches. The best stock market buy to take advantage of the aging of America may be relevant here.  Buy stock in companies making adult diapers.  One investment firm predicts a 48% increase in diaper sales by 2020.  American Airlines’ passengers of all ages may soon become part of that booming market.

The 2018 top 10 worldwide airlines were just named.  To rate high, an airline must demonstrate leadership in innovation for passenger comfort.  Hmmm…not one U.S. airline made it into the top 10.  Gee, wonder why?

Okay, we’ve been venting but there are some positives.   No more smoking on planes.  What young person would believe there once were smoking sections on planes and an ashtray built into the arm of every seat??  Many airlines automatically issue oldies a TSA pre-approved boarding pass.  Yes!!  Importantly, female flight attendants are no longer fired at age 32, or when they marry, or if they put on a few pounds.

Also, the fee some airlines charge for carry-on bags has proved to be positive.  It motivates passengers to check their bags so boarding and deplaning don’t take forever.  By the way, could we return to the logical boarding of the last seats first?  Oh, no, that approach is long dead.  We guess that’s because it gave precedence to the cheap seats’ access to limited overhead space.

So our wrinkled wisdom for today?  Book a window seat.  Scientists say that will reduce your chances of getting sick from the plane flight.  The odds of being sucked out a cracked window are pretty slim.  Oldies should feel free to board early with the people with disabilities.  Cranky doesn’t count as a disability, but they don’t ask.  Dress in layers; planes are oblivious to outside temperatures.  And, be sure to bring your portable charger.  A long flight without something to read or watch is definitely not fun.  As a backup, you might pack an actual book in your carry-on bag.  How retro!

Texting: a Foreign Language

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The hours kids spend on their phones are paying off. They have become fluent in a foreign language—texting. We get it. Texting is a way to communicate quickly with friends and family. Our fluency isn’t great. “C u l8r”—see you later—caught us off guard. LOL (Remember, grammar queens, no need for a period after text acronyms. Exclamation points, however, are just fine. OMG!)

A new study confirms what we suspected. The more kids send and receive texts, the worse their grammar skills become. IMHO

Sure, linguists will tell you language is very dynamic. We coin words, change definitions, expand usage, and watch popularity wax and wane. But, 70 percent of all text language is just plain incorrect English.

This is worrisome because text acronyms have become words for kids. Parents report that their kids are using these acronyms in their school assignments more than 60 percent of the time. And, then there is autocorrect, which can lead to an incomprehensible sentence and is creating a generation who can’t even spell common words.

We text. We are oldies yet we have embraced change! We break grammar rules all the time, knowing we are ignoring them for artistic and creative purposes. We start sentences with conjunctions…a no-no. Conjunctions include the words and, but, because, while, until, although, or if that are supposed to link sentences, clauses, phrases, or other words.

Okay, okay, okay. We swore we wouldn’t get into this fray. But, (see…we did it again…started a sentence with a conjunction) there are certain errors that are like fingernails on a chalkboard to us. Hmmm, we need to find another analogy since chalkboards, like rotary phones, won’t resonate with anyone but us oldies.

Please humor us! And, please correct the younger crowd when they screw up.

Misuse of the words fewer and less is really common and drives us nuts. Fewer is quantitative. It refers to things you can count, like mistakes in grammar or car windows. Use less as a modifier when it refers to something you can’t count, like rain or snow. We are constantly yelling at the television when ads and talk hosts misuse these words, shouting fewer when they have used less. And, these are the “guys” making the big bucks?

Irregardless is not a word! If you type it, your spell check tool will underline it in red. That should be a hint. It’s simply regardless.

Incorrect possessives have caused us to deface public and private property. The possessive is a word used to show who or what something belongs to. Ooops! Just ended a sentence with a preposition. Forgive us! Here’s the rule: always add an apostrophe “s” unless it’s a plural that ends in “s.” In that case, just add the apostrophe and nix the added “s.” That’s the Joneses’ house.

Think about the ladies’ room or the women’s dressing room, not the ladies’s room or the womens’ room. We took out our magic marker when we noted a restaurant had labeled the girls’ room the girl’s room. Oh, so this precludes more than one “girl” entering a bathroom with four stalls? FTFY! For those not in the know, that’s text for fixed that for you.

Lastly, spelling should count, too. Remember exiting is just the letter “c” away from exciting.

Our wrinkled wisdom for today? Good grammar and spelling still count, not just orally—as in spoken aloud, but in thank you notes, resumes, and especially business proposals and emails. We’d love to include tweets, but we would be wasting our breath. If you are emailing your boss, reread so autocorrect doesn’t foul something up. And perhaps most intriguing, we recently read that bad grammar can knock you off someone’s dating site picks!! Hotness points are given for knowing how to correctly use the homonyms their, they’re, and there. Bad grammar might keep you from meeting the one! Yes, sex could be a powerful motivator for all ages.

Oldies and the #MeToo Movement

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Has it really been just months since the Harvey Weinstein allegations hit the news? Since then, prominent men have been dropping like flies, losing their jobs as scores of women report aggressive sexual harassment and coercion in the workplace. Even our non-famous male friends and once co-workers are seriously rethinking how they behaved toward women throughout their careers.

The #MeToo movement has gone international, kept this important issue in the news, and birthed a new movement, Time’s Up.  Hollywood celebrities founded the group to promote equality and safety in the workplace for all women and raised millions for its legal defense fund.

We oldies feel that this can be THE watershed moment. Women are speaking up like never before. Let’s not let this moment go by. Let’s solve this problem…now.

We joined the workforce with birth control pills in our medicine cabinet. The pill became the symbol of the sexual revolution and liberation. We read Betty Friedan’s Feminine Mystique, which urged us to choose to be more than a housewife and participate in and enjoy sex.

The 1970s brought the Civil Rights movement, women’s liberation movement leaders like Gloria Steinem and Betty Friedan, and Helen Reddy singing “I am woman; hear me roar.” We attended marches and protests for equal rights in the workforce. We thought we had made a difference. We thought we had “come a long way, baby.” Not far enough, obviously!

Yes, as young, working females, we were subject to sexual advances. We crossed our legs away from the male who put his hand on our thigh during a working lunch clearly indicating we weren’t interested. We put an end to unwanted flirting quickly and unambiguously. We dealt with it. We quit jobs when the boss was a jerk and told our friends not to apply. Today, we’d go to the Board of Directors and get him fired.

Interestingly, some are saying that the #MeToo movement has uncovered a rift between baby boomers—those of us who lived through the sexual revolution of the 1960s and 1970s—and younger women of later generations. Rift? Hardly. A different perspective? Of course.

One area where we oldies appear to have a differing perspective is that we see a spectrum of sexual misconduct ranging from mildly offensive to egregious.

Many infractions do not come close to those of Dr. Nassar or Weinstein, or chronic abusers such as Ailes, Rose, and Lauer. Or wife beaters. That said, a man telling a woman she looks good is not the same as exposing his genitals. An unwanted hug is not the same as coercing a woman to have sex. Noting that someone looks tired is not body-shaming.

We want everyone to be smart, careful, and use common sense. Think twice about meeting in a hotel room. Clearly state what you want and don’t want. Say “stop” or “no” definitively. Sadly, research shows that 68 percent of millennials actively avoid face-to-face conversations. Young people apparently don’t know how to talk to one another. They could try this: step back and text “NO” in caps.

Let’s help our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, and others. Let’s strongly support everyone who has suffered. Let’s advocate for inclusive, rational discussions among men, women, and LGBTQ. Let’s lobby for legislation that penalizes companies that tolerate cultures of harassment and against the use of the nondisclosure agreements that have helped silence victims of abuse. Together, let’s create dramatic, lasting social change.

Our wrinkled wisdom for today: Till all this is ironed out, we suggest a sports approach in both work and social situations since sports is a universal “language.” If someone does something improper or inappropriate, simply make a time-out sign with your hands. Use this hand signal as a teachable moment; and, hopefully, an entrée to or—to continue our sports analogy—the kickoff of a meaningful conversation. And, remember that American football has an illegal touching penalty. One could simply call “foul,” which would definitely be better than yelling—I’m calling a lawyer! Have another idea? We say go for it and let us know how it works out.

 

Our Midnight Confessions

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Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.  It’s been quite a while since we uttered that opening line in a confessional—when we were young and practicing Catholics.  But, like Stephen Colbert of The Late Show, we admit we are guilty of some embarrassing things we keep secret.  Aren’t we all???  We reiterate Colbert’s standard disclaimer: “I don’t know if these are technically sins, but I do feel bad about them.”

Well, we don’t feel guilty enough about these secrets to actually go to Confession. And, admittedly, our “sins” may not fall into the venial category—a relatively slight sin—much less a mortal sin—a gravely sinful act that can lead to damnation if a person does not repent before death…or so we were taught.  However, like Colbert, we feel we will be better for confessing—even if we aren’t all that sorry.

So, here is our version of Colbert’s “Midnight Confessions” segment.  And we promise Stephen we won’t write a competing book.

  • Sometimes we don’t use toilet seat covers in public restrooms. We just sit down.
  • We drink directly from the juice container when no one is around though we spent years, nay, decades telling children and spouses it’s a no-no.
  • Even though it’s not green, we sometimes run the dishwasher when it’s not full.
  • We have mixed our darks and lights, overstuffed the washing machine, and generally abused it. Amazingly, it still works.
  • Now that the phone or television announces who’s calling, we sometimes don’t answer—especially when we recognize certain names.
  • We have arrived at parties with food we didn’t make, but put them in our own dishes and let people think we are talented cooks.
  • We aren’t adamant fans of professional sports. We do like the cute players and their cute butts, and an excuse to order pizza.
  • Sometimes we have candy or cake or cookies for breakfast. We just tell ourselves they are no more caloric than doughnuts.
  • Sometimes we correct grammar on signs and menus—in ink. Sometimes we email the company and point out the grammatical error in their advertisement.  Sometimes we actually get a thank you!
  • When we dropped the roast and the dog licked it, we wiped it off, put it on the table, and didn’t tell.
  • We’ve removed a rock from a national park, carried agricultural products over states lines, and washed dry-clean-only clothes. (We do dry them flat.)
  • Sometimes we pretend we took a shower, but we really just washed our armpits.

So our wisdom for today?  Confession is good for the soul, or so we were taught.  It generally makes you feel lighter—at least for a few minutes. And, we hope that our unburdening lets you know you are not alone.  However, honesty is not always the best policy.  Beware of collateral damage.  Think about listing your confessions on our comments section.  No names necessary.  We guarantee absolution!  And, hopefully, we’ll all have a giggle.

Wrinkled Wisdom – Olio

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We have titled this post “Olio.”  That is olio ending in “io,” which is defined as a miscellaneous collection of things, a hodgepodge, a patchwork, even a mishmash.  Don’t mistake this for oleo with an “eo”—the margarine, fake butter.  Ah, homonyms.  They can be so confusing.

Some topics do not merit an entire column.  But, we need to vent.  So, we are not going solo…but olio.

We can’t open stuff.  We are not alone!  A YouTube video titled 6 Easy Hacks for Hard-To-Open Things has had almost three million viewers!  Our favorite is using two quarters to open bags of our favorite junk food.  The video also recommends using a rubber band around jar lids.  Hmmm.  We’ll try that.  We constantly wrestle with jars and bottle tops using a latex kitchen glove, sometimes with success.

How ironic that Geritol, the multivitamin mineral supplement plus iron that we think of as a must for oldies, presents a challenge every time we do the push down and turn thing, struggling to open the bottle.  Soon, in desperation, we will head to the grocery store’s service desk before going home and ask for help opening everything we just purchased.

And, does food shopping cause loss of vision and deafness?  Why would you leave your cart in the middle of the aisle?  We muse that these are the same people who drive slowly in the left lane and don’t see lights turn green.  Or, are they the dreaded texters who are oblivious???

Speaking of phones, could people just keep it down in public??  It might not be so bad if we could hear the other side of the conversation and offer our opinions.  But, frankly we aren’t interested in the intimate details of their divorce or sex life while working out at the gym.  TMI!  Take a walk or call back.

Perfume?!  OMG.  Some people just don’t get that there can be too much of a good thing. You can smell them from 10 feet away and their scent can induce gasping in the elevator even after they have exited.  Hmmm…maybe we should be less critical on this one.  Reportedly, decreased sense of smell may indicate early dementia.

Drivers who take up two parking spots invite bad karma!  Yes, we understand new car parking, but that generally involves an inconvenience to the driver who chooses to park at the far end of the lot, not irritate everyone else by straddling two spots up front!  Also, a hex on those who don’t park within the lines, making it impossible for any car but a MINI Cooper to sidle up next to them.

We respect bicyclists and their commitment to reducing energy use and CO2 emissions.  But being a goody two shoes does not give them license to be self-centered and reckless, and ignore the law.  That said, we would remind bicyclists that, in an altercation with a car, they will generally be the big losers.  And, wait.  Just love this.  Some claim that a cyclist who consumes mostly meat could ultimately be creating more carbon emissions than a vegan or vegetarian driving a low-emission vehicle.  Think cows burping, not so much that other emission.  This may be a stretch…but it is a fun equivalency.

Whether we are making a call about our cable service, a mistake on a bill, or a plane ticket, being put on hold is exasperating.  Yes, we put the phone on speaker and go back to what we were doing.  But, the experience is exacerbated by bad music, infomercials, and announcements that the representatives are still helping other customers.  We get it!!!  We know we are on hold.  Don’t tell us we are on hold.  We were surprised to learn that 67 percent of us will hang up in disgust and that the 50 percent of us, who finally speak with a representative, will put the phone down without the problem being resolved.  Wow.

Okay, we are running out of space.  No time to bitch about labels on shampoos being too small to read in the shower without our glasses.  Did we just use the conditioner instead of the shampoo????  Or, all those annoying cold callers.  Or spam e-mail.  Or pop up ads.  Or people oversharing information about their medical issues in excruciating detail.  Or.  Or.  Or.

Our wrinkled wisdom for today?  Vent.  It can be positive if done judiciously.  We could advocate for greater thoughtfulness and courtesy, but that’s naive.  And, it sure would be great if companies designed products with oldies in mind.  Worst case scenario??  Just lower your expectations.  It’s the secret to happiness.  Or so psychiatrists would have us believe.

 

About That Bucket List

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A drop in the bucket, slime bucket, sweat buckets, come down in buckets, kick the bucket….and finally, wait for it: bucket list.

Bucket idioms have been around for centuries, and now it’s the bucket list that is all the rage—for all ages, not just seniors.  Bucket lists are ubiquitous.  So, if you need inspiration, just check out the list of 10,000 things to do before you die.  Lists have been concocted for visiting foreign countries and big cities, for particular seasons, and even for cooking new recipes.  Google at will.

The term appears to have originated with, or at least been popularized by, the 2007 movie The Bucket List, which starred Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson.

Wow, who knew that 90 percent of people over-55 have already created a bucket list?  That’s what surveys say.  Okay, most of us oldies have an idea of some things we might want to do before kicking the bucket, but are those ideas realistic?  Let’s take a look at some common online ideas.

Defying gravity seems to be very popular.  Our movie stars, Morgan and Jack, had skydiving on their bucket list.  However, they also had stunt men.  We were very impressed that the first President Bush parachuted to celebrate his 90th birthday.  But, he’s a longtime skydiving fanatic.  If skydiving or other feet-off-the-ground adventures like parachuting, paragliding, or parasailing make your list, we suggest a tandem jump with a professional as Bush did.  We also suggest you update your will and have your life insurance paid up.

A hot air balloon ride makes many lists and seems to us a reasonable way to get high without… well…getting high.

A tattoo?  Nope. That ship has sailed for us oldies.  Sagging skin is not the best canvas for tattoo art.  Just get a temporary one.

Of course, traveling the world and eating exotic foods is popular limited only by bad backs, knees, and hips; planter fasciitis; and medical issues…such as GERD.  You get the idea.

Many bucket lists tout running a marathon, learning a new language, writing a book, or taking music lessons.  Really?  And, you have waited until now because?

Conquering a fear lands on many lists.  And, there are such creative names for these phobias.  Fear of spiders—arachnophobia.  Claustrophobia—fear of small, confined spaces.  Fear of heights—acrophobia.  Fear of rats plays a huge part in the novel 1984.  Even that phobia has a name—musophobia. We prefer to think of bucket list items as fun and adventurous objectives.  We are happy to die with some fears.

Scuba diving sounds exciting; but, sadly, we’ve pretty much missed the Great Barrier Reef, which is fading fast.  And…questions: are you willing to don a bathing suit?  Can you swim?  Are you willing to come face to face with sharks, giant squids, electric eels, and flesh-eating bacteria?

Going on a cruise is quite doable but potentially fattening.  Prolific food and drink.  But, beware of Legionnaires’ disease and leaning too far over the railing if you’ve had a few or irritated your partner.

A new study reports that, on average, oldies are willing to spend about $13,000 on their bucket lists.  Looking at lists online, we don’t think that would cover visiting all seven continents, highlighted by an elephant ride in Thailand.  But, you could visit all 50 states, see the Northern Lights, learn to crack an egg with one hand, swim with a dolphin (in a wetsuit, please), go on a whale watching tour, or plan for the next total eclipse…all popular choices.

Pity our kids.  With life expectancy rising each year, they could be working forever.  Heck, one in 10 oldies now say they will have to work until they are over 71.  Expect future bucket lists to include…retirement!

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today?  Creating bucket lists can be fun, but maybe start waaay before you might actually kick the bucket.  Hear that young people?  And, think realistically.  Heck, there is always virtual reality and you don’t even need to get out of bed.  Give it a Google.  And, since some degree of memory loss is a fairly common part of aging, be sure your bucket list is on your smartphone, lest you forget.

Old Is the New New

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No, we aren’t talking about consignment shops. We’re talking about the changing face of America.

The world’s older population continues to grow at an unprecedented rate.  There are now over 72 million boomers and another 50-odd million people who belong to the “silent” generation.  And, our growth is outpacing every other demographic group.  In fact, by 2030, one in five Americans will be 65 or older.  A virtual tsunami of oldies!

Old is the new new!  That should earn us a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T!  With this reference, we are broadening the feminist theme of Aretha Franklin’s 1967 hit.

Interestingly, speaking of respect, did you know we have our own government agency?  It’s called the National Institute on Aging (NIA).  It’s part of the National Institute of Health, which we all know as NIH, and is charged with studying aging and extending our healthy, active years of life.  Alzheimer’s disease is an important focus.  Oh, and testosterone therapy.

There is power in numbers.  Money talks.   Ah, sometimes adages and their general truths are apropos if a bit overused.  As a group, we oldies have tremendous economic clout.  Seniors control nearly a third of total U.S. net wealth.  Advertisers need to catch on!

And, marketers are wising up…albeit…slowly.  They are recognizing that we spend and it’s not just on cruises, medical alert systems, senior living facilities, and Depends.  Research underscores that we are significant buyers of cars and Apple products.   Hence the recent AARP headline:  Automakers Rediscover and Create for Boomers.

How propitious that self-driving cars are being developed just as we are aging!  How very thoughtful.  And, another fun headline: Self-driving Vehicles and Baby Boomers: A Budding Relationship.

Yet, advertisers have a long, long way to go.  Today, less than five percent of advertising targets the baby boomer market.  Most advertising dollars are spent catering to 18 to 34 year-olds.  Forbes magazine calls us the most neglected, wealthy group in the history of marketing.

And, important to advertisers, we Google.  We check our e-mail on our smartphones. We order stuff online.  We use social media.  We have Facebook pages.  We check out YouTube.  In fact, baby boomers describe themselves as heavy Internet users. The average broadcast media viewer is now over 50, which is really a profound change that will greatly impact television advertising.

Marketers, do the math!  Get over gerontophobia.  And, learn to talk to us in a way that reflects some reality.

And, wow, do they have a lot to learn.  Most seniors don’t like the advertising aimed at them.  It isn’t realistic or respectful, according to polls.  It’s stereotypic.  We want ads that capture our attention, entertain us, inform us, and respect us.

Okay, we all don’t look like Jane Fonda at 79.  Who can afford that much cosmetic surgery?  However, we do enjoy a beautiful oldie being featured in ads for L’Oreal skin cream aimed at women of all ages.  One of our favorites is an ad for Aldi, a German discount grocery chain with stores in the U.S.  It features an older woman, who, after pointing out the teas she buys for her husband, shares with the viewing audience: “I don’t like tea.  I like gin.”

As marketing changes and matures (is that a pun?), we hope to see an end to articles and discussions about ageism being the last politically correct prejudice.  We understand that mockery of older people masks fears of growing old.  We’re guilty.  Remember when we were in our 20s and dissed 30-year olds as over the hill?  Maybe that’s already changing.  A recent study shows that the younger generation’s greatest fear is their phone batteries running low.  We could create a fun analogy about aging, but won’t.

So our wrinkled wisdom for today?  Lift a glass.  Make a toast.  We’re not invisible anymore!  Give to the National Institute for Aging.  Yes, it’s a federal agency, but Congress made an exception and it can accept donations.  And, it’s OUR federal agency.  If an Aldi store comes to your area, shop there.  The management obviously has a great sense of humor.  When advertisements feature seniors in a fun and respectful manner, buy the product— after you Google the reviews, of course.

 

Been There, Done That

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Today, we are advocating for greater usage of the phrase “been there, done that.”  It’s been around since the early 1970s.  But, it just couldn’t be more appropriate as we oldies age.

Many of us have little left on our bucket list.  We’ve…well…been there and done that.  We’re pretty well traveled, and we’ve already had a fabulous time swimming with a dolphin.

We’re not going to try to achieve our ideal weight, revolutionize our eating habits, suddenly decide to run a marathon, or get a tattoo.  And, no, we’re not going to wear the latest clothing styles, especially the retro designs we really didn’t like when they were first introduced.  Hmmm…changing our hairstyle could be an option due to thinning issues.

Frankly, we’ve read books on that subject long ago.  We’ve seen a similar movie a zillion times.  Okay, the trendy, special effects are terrific and the faces are pretty but, the plots—to us oldies—are now simply clichés.

As for relationships?  We know that their quantity and quality have powerful effects throughout our lives and become even more important as we age.  The good news is that we oldies are better at pruning our social networks and maintaining only those that are emotionally healthy.  It’s okay to jettison so-called “friends,” and it’s never too late to make new ones. Just walk away.  Life’s too short!

We are old enough to distinguish what we want to do and don’t want to do…much less again.  The truth?  We’ve earned the right to be honest.  Say with aplomb: “been there, done that.”  It’s empowering!  Think of it as a personal mantra.  Rehearse it.

Wait…we might consider going to Cuba if only to enjoy seeing American cars from the 50s and 60s, including that Chevy stick shift model in which we learned to drive.

Caveat: this approach does not include things we don’t feel like doing…going to the gym and reducing our intake of fat and sugar. Different category.  You want to survive aging?  There is a must-do list that also includes staying socially and intellectually active.

And, this mantra is definitely not relevant to technology.  Nope.  All this stuff is new to us.  While we have embraced some technological advances that improve our lives, we’re picky.  If it precludes calling *69 to see who last phoned us, buying an encyclopedia from a stranger at the door, using a telephone book, or looking up something in the dictionary, we go for it.  We love Google!

But, don’t push us to get a bunch of apps for things we don’t care about.  Really, it just reminds us of how many apps are pre-installed on our devices that we never use.  And, yes, we like visiting a bookstore and the library, the feel of a hard copy, and turning the pages.  We still get the newspaper delivered, too!  (Well, maybe we’ll make an exception and pack our iPads to read books on vacation.)

Ironically, we now have pretty much what we wanted as kids.  We don’t have to get up at some ungodly hour to get ready for school.  No homework.  Every month we get an “allowance”—a pension or social security—for which we worked long and hard.  We own our own homes and don’t have to live with the parents and play by their rules.  Don’t have to be home by midnight.  As if!  And, gone are the worries about pregnancy and the embarrassment of acne.
We strive for looking good…for our age.  Hey, it’s all relative.  So maybe we can’t wear four-inch heels (a little difficult with our arch support inserts) or skintight jeans.  Or maybe we can.

Eddie Fisher titled his 1999 book Been There, Done That, but it is simply a reminder of our days of sex, drugs, and rock and roll.  And don’t listen to the lyrics of Dr. Dre’s song similarly titled.  Too focused on guns and money.  However, we do like the song’s “outro:” “All these people out talkin’ about who they are, what they got…Heh, it don’t even matter…Been there, done that…As long as you true to yourself, gotta be true to yourself.”

So, our wrinkled wisdom for today?  Focus on what gives you pleasure.  Do exactly what you want to do—travel, play golf, do volunteer work, dance, go to rock concerts, buy a sports car if you are able to get out the driver’s seat without embarrassing yourself.  Drink expensive liquor.  There is nothing stopping you.  Okay, maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration at our age.  Have no regrets thinking no, nah, don’t wanna.  Just respond: been there; done that.  Make it your age-appropriate signature kiss-off.